tangerine

maybe i still have a thing for him after all these years. i've just been thinking about how comfortable i am around him. no need to be up on my feet all the time. the things we talk about just crop up out of the blue and it can be the weirdest of topics in the most unlikely situations especially when we're alone together.

laughter.

then a friend raised the fact that he's pretty free. free in terms of nothing tying him down. not talking about people. i'm talking about a permanent job, the things he wants to do. would i get frustrated with him?

i like to think i do things on impulse but that not very often. i don't have much opportunity to do that sort of thing with uni and church commitments. i'd like to be able to go places and do things in the heat of the moment.

but i also like a bit of planning. i love filling out my diary with things to do, places to go...assignments to hand in (ugh!). i like filling out my schedule with things to do so i'm always on the move, meeting people, talking/listening, giving massages.

then again, would he need a stable person who'll balance him out? bring him back from the clouds to more of a ground level? i don't know and probably will never know these things.

sometimes i feel so desperate. why isn't this happening now? why aren't things happening they way i imagined it to go? why does life feel like a drag sometimes and everything i do just weighs down on me so much?

tangerine, i wish sometimes you'd get me. and do something. quick. i wish i could express to you in words what i feel. and not feel. i wish i have the strength to keep my heart.

i wish...

i am in love

a few weeks ago, while missing the convenience of having a piano to play on, i explored billy hydes flemington and came across this beautiful synth. me being me, i tinkered.

my hands ran over the smooth black finish, untouched by dust. its screen glittered at me with its soft light. gingerly, i tapped one of the buttons. my fingers reached down to the keys and i played a familiar sound. a couple of sales assistants came and asked if i needed help with anything. i said no. they pretty much left me alone. alone with this beautiful black beast!

ah, the love! i wish i could have stayed there forever if it were not for my aching legs and the amount of work i have to go back to.

now is the dillema of whether to save up to buy this, an amp, stand & a hard case with wheels or for a car so i can get around...

post script (30.08.06); this is the new korg TR76 if you can help me get it, it'll be great.

so i wore my first scrubs today. most probably the last time. but it was so cool! I think the only thing is that had a huge top. i mean HUGE! but other than that, watching someone sear the skin with a metal rod, watching the living heart beat in a chest held open with three pieces of metal, watching the heart slow to a stop as potassium poisons it, then restarted with those paddles…wow.

we were made to stand in the corner while prep was going on and we got a pretty good view of the indwelling catheter going in. ugh! prepping went for a good half an hour. the nice anaesthetist called us over and our observation of cardiac surgery from there.

there were some med students there as well and the anaesthetist was asking a whole lot of questions about the patient’s blood gases and we student physios answered most of them. that resulted in his constant invitation for us to do medicine. ahh…no.

in an otherwise great day, it’s really tiring watching surgery.

oh, another one of the perks?

free toast.

did you know?

there are only 3 types of soup stock on shelf at safeway. chicken, beef and vegetable.

i think i saw lamb but i’m not sure.

and what on earth is in vegetable? every known vegie? just cabbage or some vegie we’ve never heard of or even eaten?

pork? Has anyone heard of pork soup stock? i know mum’s done that. and how about a more exotic ones, like duck or kangaroo soup stock?

or…grass?

i made my first spaghetti marinara today. Maybe a bit bland. i think i should have marinated the seafood before adding it to the tomato mix…

Oh, well. At least it’s edible. i’ll know tomorrow if i did something wrong

p.s. (02.10.06) nothing went wrong. no need to call the ambulance.

p.p.s. (02.10.06) if something did go wrong now, the marinara is innocent.

bright and early one morning...

'i love you,' he slurred, holding a jim bean in his right hand. the smell of alcohol wafted in her face as he walked past.

she smiled. she considered stopping but continued on her way.

what would have happened if she stopped to talk to him?

current condition

no one likes to be accused of any wrongdoing.

this is exactly what happened to M, N and i when we went to 'observe' a certain pulmonary class at a certain hospital. i never liked the hospital or the suburb in the first place so i obviously didn't want to be there, but the hospital i'm at isn't running any of the classes at the moment. hmm. i think there's going to be lots of confusion here, so let's call my current placement hospital A and the place i don't like hospital B.

so, anyway, we had to go to hospital B to watch a class. but when we got there, we were handballed to a grade 1 therapist (who was by the way, the nicest person i've ever met in that hospital) without much of a grunt, then got given a patient each by the grade 3 supervisor (since i've started using aliases, let's call her C) lands on each of us a patient to look after. AGAIN, without any briefing at all. we then had to follow the patient around and watch them exercise and tick their boxes off.

my patient was nice. she was from the UK so she had this crisp british accent. we went around doing her exercises. then we came upon the arm weights where she told me she did the blue ones last week. would you believe her? of course, that was what i did. it was after all her 5th or 6th week there and my first time. so i gave here the blue weights which were 1.5 kg, sat down and watched her exercise.

along came C who checked her weights and talked to her. she explained the colour of the weights she did to C as she did to me. i checked her sheet and she was prescribed 1 kg weights. the patient tried to explain but C just dismissed her and gave her the 1 kg weights. fine. so we continued with the exercises.

at the end of the class, she told us to stick back because she wanted to talked to us. after she finished herding everyone else out of the room, she proceeded to blast us with how we shouldn't change the exercise prescription because they were all carefully calculated using this 'formula' and we should check with her if we wanted to change the 'carefully calculated exercise prescription' before changing it. she ranted on how important it is to watch the patient and make sure they're doing it right, blah blah blah. this was when i found out that N miscounted the reps the patient was taking care of. such a trivial thing.

i could see where she was coming from. they had a collapse a few days before and sure no one wants that to happen again. it's not really what she said but how she said it and how she looked at us. i got the impression that she didn't think much of students and after that incident, it's even lower. it's like she's doing us a really really huge favour by teaching us. well, look at your job description, woman! teaching is written in!

but that's not the end of it.

she called up my supervisor at my current placement on monday morning and accused us of being uninterested and having unprofessional behaviour, then proceeding to demand an apology. i was on my way to sending her an apology but after that, i don't think so. i was going to go as far as excusing her for her behaviour towards us but this is the final straw. accusing not one but all three of us is totally unacceptable especially when M didn't do anything wrong.

my dilemma is whether i should just swallow my pride and apologise for the things she accused me of or totally ignore that demand and ruin it for the other students that are going there to 'observe'. that or confront her about it and possibly get blackmarked for the rest of my career as a physiotherapy student as well as ruining it for all the other students that are going to 'observe'.

please tell me, what is the secret to weakness?
what is the mystery of desperation?

31.07.06