when my blood flows into the drain in the middle of the floor

Today I found myself sitting on the edge of my bed, hugging Tigger with tears streaming down my face with no apparent reason (even to myself). A few days ago, I caught myself wondering what will happen if I swallowed more than the prescribed dose of panadol.

The only reason I'm not dead right now is because I have too much to live for.

Expectations of life, I guess.

crash worthy

Do you know of the supercheap auto ad that gives you advise about how you're sitting in your car?

Well, apparently the right leg needs to rest against the door and the left against the middle bit (I don't know what it's called). I tried it while in my car this afternoon and guess what? If I had my leg against the door, my foot can't reach the pedal and with the other leg against the middle bit, it feels like I'm trying to do the splits while driving.

That advise was so great, I might actually try it while driving.

bedtime story

s.o.s.

I'm getting impatient again.

HELP!

green

Oh how I wish I could just smash everything into oblivion
when the subject of my heart's desire
is so far out of reach

music & personality

According to BBC news, I am lazy, rough, introverted, have low self esteem, but quite creative.

the music was not too loud

// All I could here all night was a highpitched ditzy voice:

"I'm not a tightarse, but..."

"Oh, look at this picture! I have it as my profile photo!"

"Are you sure I've got his CD? I thought you bought it....no, I definitely have it"

"I like this song."

"And this song."

"And this song."

All though the gig! Sigh. Some people have no courtesy. //

long night, hold tight

Take this heart,
it and all these scars

- ellington

i love people who make me laugh

// The podiatrist I work with wrote me a sick certificate today. That was because he didn't want to catch a cold. He gave me the week off. // Three guys were blocking the aisle I was walking through. At the last possible second (just before I said excuse me), they stepped back and said sorry simultaneously. // There were two boys at the grocery store that were touching everything much to the chagrin of their father. While waiting at the deli, the spinned each other around until they both fell to the ground, dizzy. //

i spent twelve hours at work today

// I've reached the heights of weariness.

I'm so tired, that I can't keep my eyes open but when I go to bed, I can't sleep.

Ten hours wasn't so bad, I survived the past couple of weeks, afterall. But twelve?

To think there's one more month of this.

And three pilates classes to teach! I am going to have rock hard abs by the end of the year. //

carry you

with my eyes i haven't seen
with my ears i haven't heard
with my lips no words speak
with my hands so transparent

once mentioned, everything appeared
the flirtatious nature, the subtle words
one point meaning another
deception

pictures of a red sky, orange clouds
polar differences of the temperature
of the heart
heavy

these wings are a burden

21.06.08

lone ranger

So I'm sitting at work today, bored out of my brains between clients, and it occured to me:

I really enjoy this.

train

It's been ages since I've sat on the train and observed people. Tonight was fun!
//
Four boys boarded. They look young, but fiery passion for the love of their club fuelled their conversation. As the train pulled into the station, one jumped for joy and pump his fist into the air and proclaimed Hawthorn to be king of all footy clubs.
//
There were hawthorn supporters on the train tonight. And then there was me.
//
I did wonder if I stared at the people standing still at Richmond station, would they stare back or look away in awkwardness? I never got the chance because the train started moving again.
//
A loud thud woke me from my daydream state. Something dropped and a man picked it up. It was an iphone. He put it under his thigh whilst looking around to make sure no one saw him. But it rang and it was the lady that lost it. He had to give it in. After she hung up, he looked through the phone. Disappointment.
//
The man sitting opposite me folded his paper and put it neatly into his briefcase before he had to disembark. Everything looked neat about him except his hair. Wild chaos.
//

how can i have such love
when foreign thoughts fleet through my mind
how can you love me
when i stand so far away
when there's so much wrong

you are truly awesome

14.03.08

hey next door

I roll my eyes at her immaturity,
always needing a hand to be held.
Nothing fazes her;
yeah, right.

She proclaims she is ready
to take over the world!
How could she
when she is scared of the little things?

She takes each step without
completing the last,
insisting she can make it
to the end.

18.04.08

break

It's a relief.

We're staying friends. I think we both needed something and we found each other.

It's for the better.

wisdom

The way you make sure the pants you are about to buy will fit, do up all the buttons & zips and put it around your neck. If it covers the circumference of your neck, it will fit you nicely.

- Dad

//I'm not sure where this came from, but it makes so much sense!

conflicted

I know what I have to do.

But I don't want to do it.

Every conversation, every moment I spend thinking about it makes it so much clearer.

I find myself making excuses, justifying it in my mind.

I want to revel in this mudhole I made for myself.

ironman

By far one of the best Marvel movies I've seen so far!

Although there wasn't much to the story, it was fairly accurate to the comics with exception of minor details to make it more modern. The opening scene really set the mood and the reality of it hit home.

The graphics were amazing with all the little scraps and dints in the ironman armour that appeared with battle. It didn't look like something cooked out of a computer.

The last scene with Nick Fury topped it all! Just seeing him come to life from the ultimates comics...it just put it another notch higher for me!

Something worth owning on DVD.

sacrifice

From now, I will not be able to have long nails.

Forever.

Except on holidays.

the month (and a bit) in passing

caught up with an old friend,

attempted murder using my evil, evil hands,

got groped by a moth,

watch someone make faces at me,

was amazed at Kaiwin's sunflowers (still am),

killed a teenage mouse (not with bare hands),

ate lots of cupcakes (yum!),

pretended I was a baby,

got yelled (sung) at through a loudspeaker,

had fun with one of my bestest friends,

had dinner with family,

and made possibly the longest pasta in my entire life.

silent preaching

Why wear a cross around your neck?

I mean, why?

Does it symbolise what you believe in, showing the whole world you are what you say you are without you ever needing to say a word (but once a while, you need to say something)? Or is it to reassure yourself that you are what you think you are despite those thoughts about the woman sitting next to you or what you said to your parents as you stormed out of their house?

Often you forget the symbol you wear around your neck. Just another piece of jewellery. A silver 't' with diamonds encrusted around it, or a plain gold 't' with an image of Jesus nailed on it. Its meaning lost over time due to familiarity, habituation, whatever.

I've stopped wearing mine. I figure as hard it is to live without all the mistakes, I don't need the added pressure to be 'good' Christian in the eyes of the world. Sometimes, stereotypes work in our favour, but most often, they don't.

My dream is to live my life through action with no mention of who I believe in. Then when people find out, they'll be attracted to my inspiration. It's incredibly hard, having to be aware of the implications of everything I do, everything I say, every thought. It's so much easier to ignore everything and live life as I want it to (selfish) but we were made for so much more than that, weren't we?


"Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words"
- St Francis of Assisi

sore week

My arm hurts like hell. But I'm glad it's over and done with.

Also, I need a new back. This one is just plain annoying. (partly my fault since I stacked while skateboarding) It's so hard to find a comfortable position other than lying down. Even that takes a while.

Other than that, I'm glad I can feel pain. Otherwise, I can be prancing around with no arms and not have a care in the world.

hired

I got a job today.

It's funny how it is after months of looking, you get hired just like that. Now that I'm a 'real' person (as Mel puts it), I can make a positive contribution to society (the Baulch principle).

So far, I'm about two weeks away from being productive, so I'll make the most of it.

reflections

Whilst going through some boxes in the garage at my parent's place, I came across a whole heaps of stuff including awards I've received. If any of you can guess where they're from, I'll give you a 30 minute massage (with the exception of Mikey, where his reward is no massage at all...unless he wants to feel some pain. I'll be happy to oblige).

Giggletron, one of two (2001)
Looks exactly like her brother (2002)
Guinea pig for possibly toxic paint (2003)
Lunatic (2004)
Neo-nazi (2005)

the Jack Johnson fiasco

After agreeing to a last minute ticket sale, I was going to jack johnson.

I always wanted to see what it was like to see him live, whether he had a stage presence, etc. I didn't really like the sidney myer music bowl as a music venue, but since I'm not that big a fan, I didn't really mind sitting on the lawn, far from the stage.

Our tickets came up as refunded and we found out that they were reissued earlier that day. After about an hour and a half of waiting and trying to figure it out, we found out that all the tickets in that batch were reissued by the person who bought it because someone lost their tickets, and in actual fact, ours were sitting in the box office this whole time under another name!

We finally got in, got lost, found seats (which were quite bad when we stood up because a tent was in our way) and enjoyed the music. The gig itself wasn't too bad. He interacted with the audience, waved to mel (apparently) when she was on chris' shoulders, made a few jokes and played a new song.

Hungry Jacks after, before the tram ride home, was quite enjoyable. A whopper jr was a bit too much though.

all i need is you
all i need is you

- marty sampson, hillsong united

singles' awareness day

it's amazing how days like this accentuate the feeling of aloneness. i'm lucky with the fact that i worked all day today instead of having to sit at home and ruminate or observe the increasing amount of couples around me.

there's nothing wrong with being single. seriously. i actually like being single. plans can just change at the drop at a hat.

the waiting does kill, though. waiting for things, people. especially people. will he turn up?

i've learnt to be content where i am. sure, the desire is still there, but i'm happy where i am. i'm doing the things i want to do, in my own time.

singles' awareness day. SAD for short.

HAH!

emo

is this what regret feels like?

this gut wrenching feeling of a need to turn back time to undo what i've just done.

it's just numb. muted versions of what they're supposed to be.

the most intense of them all? anger.

//

finding him again is kind of exciting. being reminded of his goodness, grace and mercy, and best of all love in the midst of thoughts of shame, rejection and fear.

all i need is you.

//

random nye

the ideal place to celebrate the new year in the heat is to go to a back beach somewhere in rye with a few crazy friends that have the tendency to do the most crazy things. the place were were at was called london bridge.

after shopping for food which chucky so graciously took charge (with delegation, of course), we proceeded to carry all the stuff to the isolated far end of the beach. the water was cool and it was a relief from the scorching heat. I was intrigued with the lilo, wondering what the boys were going to do with it. Sure enough, they boogie boarded on it. with some getting injured on the sharp, sharp rocks.

as the night drew near and the sun was setting, i climbed up the cliff (london bridge, i assume) and the view was amazing. the tide was low so the rocks underneath was visible. huge waves crashed on them, throwing kelp and other sea plants around. and our little campsite looked so tiny.

when the dark set in, we roamed the blow holes and rock platform for rock pools and crabs. it was fun with the lack of torches amongst the lot of us. we (jamin) caught a crab the size of his hand (a bit big) but at julie's insistence, put it back into its rock pool. on the platform, she cringed as we stepped on some vegetation but surrendered to the fact that it was quite comfortable and was preferable to stepping on baby muscles or sharp rocks.

just as we finished our countdown for the new year, fireworks erupted at a nearby town, thus completing our night. the climb back up the steep ramp was no fun but we eventually got to the cars and headed home.

where my sweet bed was.