fury ate my soul today

I wrote it on the 31st of May, 2006. The day before, I wrote:

//I own my own life. Mine is not an extension of yours, like a string that's pulled apart.//

It wasn't so long ago that I was such an angry kid. Hah. Kid. That's what we think of ourselves even if it's a few years ago. That's what I think of myself as a kid; angry and immature.

There are things in my past that I don't like to look back on. But that's it, isn't it? Who we are today is the sum of our past experiences and what we do today will shape what we do tomorrow, next week, next month, next year. No matter how positive or negative the experiences.

Things with the family is better now, although things could still be worked on. But what relationship doesn't need constant tweaking? Things used to be bad between us. I think my moving out has smoothed things over and changed our perspectives. Changed mine, mostly. I let a lot of things slide a lot of the time now, with the knowledge that psychologically, the parental units are so set in their ways that major changes are almost always impossible.

That doesn't mean we always wear a smile on our faces. It's still frowns, grimaces and scowls. At least the smiles are there more often.

// All these from some post-it notes found whilst cleaning out some boxes in the garage. I think the string reference was because I was destroying some at the time//

get out of my head

I'm hooked up on something that I really don't want to be. It happened such a long time ago and it's not worth entertaining even the thought of it.

//But still the green monster in me rears her ugly head//

one too many

For the first time in my life, I was bored at a wedding.

I've decided not to indulge my shutterbug fingers and just absorb the celebratory atmosphere of two people vowing their lives away to each other. I find that I don't necessarily experience these things in its entirety because I concentrate too much on getting good pictures. I thought today will be as good a day as any. I've been to so many weddings over the past three years so the novelty has worn off a long time ago. If I'm not busy snapping away, I'm up and down, doing the legwork. I was doing neither today.

Don't get me wrong, weddings are beautiful. The bride is dressed up in the whitest of whites (now more off white as dictated by fashion), chocked full of lace, sequins and all things shiny. The groom is looks smart in his tailored suit. The groomsmen matches the colour of the bridesmaids dresses. A few hundred witnesses watching as the lovely couple take their first steps into the world as one.

It made me think. Essentially, all weddings are the same. It starts off with groom and groomsmen waiting at the end of the aisle whilst bridesmaids take slow steps in time to the music to the alter followed by the bride and her dad. Worship. Prayer. A little message. Vows, rings, registry then kiss. Walk back down the aisle. Greet both sets of mums and dads, wave to close friends, smile akwardly to others. Obligatory group shot. End of ceremony. Food. Cut to the reception. Canapés, wine, champers. Bridal party, speeches, food. More speeches. Cutting of cake. More food & speeches. Clinking of glasses. Toasts. Crying dad on bride's side. First waltz/dance/shuffling and twirling. Everyone on the dance floor. Crazy uncle on groom's side takes centre stage. (In asian weddings, no one on the dance floor. Everyone looks awkwardly away.) Dessert, tea and coffee. Home.

Simple. A few variations here and there but the recipe is pretty much the same. And to think I've got so many more to go to in the first six months of this year. I'd better be prepared and start taking some photos before I go out of my mind.

post script 18.06.10

I had an ulterior motive for not taking photos at the said wedding. I just think it probably wasn't appropriate for me to have more pictures of what could have been. He and I are good friends but one can always avoid temptation, right?

merry christmas and here's to many more

It always hurt to be all by myself this time of year
A cold and lonely Christmas eve
Living out my days alone that has been my biggest fear
But you promised you won't leave

I look toward the east and see a star
Jesus Christ has blessed my life
To know just who you are
You are my hope

- relient k

presents!

Apron, check.

Nail care products, unexpected, but check.

Camera, halfway there.

Boyfriend, hmm...

how many times do i push it aside?

Why do I even bother making the effort. This happens to be every time. EVERY f*ing time. Unless of course it falls on a weekend and yours is by default because face it, there's nothing better to do.

I'm not doing anything next year. Nope. Nothing. Taking it off and spending it by myself doing what I want to do. Company not welcomed. Of course I say it now in the heat of emotional chaos, but I do mean it. I really do. It's always take and no giving. Only a few are excepted. Only the ones I count my truest, only to you I speak my absolute truth. Me and my darkness.

//this sounds like an angry emo song//

//in my head//

showers

Can I please stop getting invited to events where there is an over abundance of oestrogen?

// Especially ones that have had babies. //

kisses

Is it jealousy I feel or just the inner desires buried deep in the recesses of my heart?
I'm not quite green but not quite right either.

// This is a weird feeling.//

love

Do you realise that people always say they love their inanimate objects? Facebook updates has spat out 'i love my new tv' or 'i love my shoes'; which begs the question: what is love?

To most people, it is a feeling or connection between two people (or between a person and an object/place/situation). But don't you think if 'love' is so easily gained, would be just as easily be lost? What happens when the feeling disappears or the connection dies? Move on to the next best thing? Many people profess they undying love for a person/object/situation. But are is it really undying?

Love is so much more than just a feeling or connection. Love is active, not passive. Love is exemplified in years of effort and not letting the other person go astray. Love is not envious of others and doesn't exaggerate. Love is not giving up, enduring hardship and sacrifice. Love is hard work but it is worth it. Love is gentle but disciplines. Love is giving without expecting anything in return. Love is unconditional despite flaws and result. It is humans that put up barriers and limitations to love.

I am no expert in love. Far from it. I am a mere novice but I am learning more every day from the one that first showed me what love is. God is synonymous with love; it is his motive in everything he does (John 3.16).

I am created in the image of God, which means that I am created in the image of perfect love. Love is in the core of my identity and I can chose to love.

I chose to love.

(here is a nice article by Jim Palmer from which I may have stolen ideas from)

margins

I don't look at them the same anymore.

Every time I pass one in the street, I wonder about their stories, how they came to be where they are. I can't take my eyes off them. I know some chose to be in that situation, burnt by everything they know to be the staple of society. Others find themselves there out of situational circumstances.

Just the other day I was in the city. A young man from ethiopia struck up a conversation with us and I thought it was a good opportunity. He seemed happy, cheerful, but his eyes betrayed something more. Being in a hurry with no where to go. I didn't know if he was a resident of the city streets or just some guy that just so happens to make friends wherever he went.

Then we passed a soup van. A food van rather. They were handing out sandwiches, packed like they were going to be put on shelves in 7-11. There were a small group of them huddled around, getting possibly their only meal for the day. On the way home, I thought I should have stayed and got to know them.

Matt was right. There are so many excuses we give ourselves so we don't have to stop and get to know them. The poor will always be a part of us and the more we try to rationalise our act of ignorance, the more it will be apparent its issues will be in our society.

All is well when we talk, brainstorm, listen to others talk of their experiences. But unless we actually do something, we are no better than the governments that suck the life out of the people they are meant to protect.

ordinary radicalism

I am inspired:

• to be uncomfortable so that someone else can be comfortable.
• to do more than just put money into a jar to help kids that I'll never meet.
• to look after the people in my own backyard.
• to pay a little bit more so that the person at the bottom of the ladder can do more than survive

Still have yet to finish Shane Claiborne's The Irresistable Revolution. I'm sure I can learn so much more!