conflicted

I know what I have to do.

But I don't want to do it.

Every conversation, every moment I spend thinking about it makes it so much clearer.

I find myself making excuses, justifying it in my mind.

I want to revel in this mudhole I made for myself.

ironman

By far one of the best Marvel movies I've seen so far!

Although there wasn't much to the story, it was fairly accurate to the comics with exception of minor details to make it more modern. The opening scene really set the mood and the reality of it hit home.

The graphics were amazing with all the little scraps and dints in the ironman armour that appeared with battle. It didn't look like something cooked out of a computer.

The last scene with Nick Fury topped it all! Just seeing him come to life from the ultimates comics...it just put it another notch higher for me!

Something worth owning on DVD.

sacrifice

From now, I will not be able to have long nails.

Forever.

Except on holidays.

the month (and a bit) in passing

caught up with an old friend,

attempted murder using my evil, evil hands,

got groped by a moth,

watch someone make faces at me,

was amazed at Kaiwin's sunflowers (still am),

killed a teenage mouse (not with bare hands),

ate lots of cupcakes (yum!),

pretended I was a baby,

got yelled (sung) at through a loudspeaker,

had fun with one of my bestest friends,

had dinner with family,

and made possibly the longest pasta in my entire life.

silent preaching

Why wear a cross around your neck?

I mean, why?

Does it symbolise what you believe in, showing the whole world you are what you say you are without you ever needing to say a word (but once a while, you need to say something)? Or is it to reassure yourself that you are what you think you are despite those thoughts about the woman sitting next to you or what you said to your parents as you stormed out of their house?

Often you forget the symbol you wear around your neck. Just another piece of jewellery. A silver 't' with diamonds encrusted around it, or a plain gold 't' with an image of Jesus nailed on it. Its meaning lost over time due to familiarity, habituation, whatever.

I've stopped wearing mine. I figure as hard it is to live without all the mistakes, I don't need the added pressure to be 'good' Christian in the eyes of the world. Sometimes, stereotypes work in our favour, but most often, they don't.

My dream is to live my life through action with no mention of who I believe in. Then when people find out, they'll be attracted to my inspiration. It's incredibly hard, having to be aware of the implications of everything I do, everything I say, every thought. It's so much easier to ignore everything and live life as I want it to (selfish) but we were made for so much more than that, weren't we?


"Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words"
- St Francis of Assisi

sore week

My arm hurts like hell. But I'm glad it's over and done with.

Also, I need a new back. This one is just plain annoying. (partly my fault since I stacked while skateboarding) It's so hard to find a comfortable position other than lying down. Even that takes a while.

Other than that, I'm glad I can feel pain. Otherwise, I can be prancing around with no arms and not have a care in the world.

hired

I got a job today.

It's funny how it is after months of looking, you get hired just like that. Now that I'm a 'real' person (as Mel puts it), I can make a positive contribution to society (the Baulch principle).

So far, I'm about two weeks away from being productive, so I'll make the most of it.

reflections

Whilst going through some boxes in the garage at my parent's place, I came across a whole heaps of stuff including awards I've received. If any of you can guess where they're from, I'll give you a 30 minute massage (with the exception of Mikey, where his reward is no massage at all...unless he wants to feel some pain. I'll be happy to oblige).

Giggletron, one of two (2001)
Looks exactly like her brother (2002)
Guinea pig for possibly toxic paint (2003)
Lunatic (2004)
Neo-nazi (2005)

the Jack Johnson fiasco

After agreeing to a last minute ticket sale, I was going to jack johnson.

I always wanted to see what it was like to see him live, whether he had a stage presence, etc. I didn't really like the sidney myer music bowl as a music venue, but since I'm not that big a fan, I didn't really mind sitting on the lawn, far from the stage.

Our tickets came up as refunded and we found out that they were reissued earlier that day. After about an hour and a half of waiting and trying to figure it out, we found out that all the tickets in that batch were reissued by the person who bought it because someone lost their tickets, and in actual fact, ours were sitting in the box office this whole time under another name!

We finally got in, got lost, found seats (which were quite bad when we stood up because a tent was in our way) and enjoyed the music. The gig itself wasn't too bad. He interacted with the audience, waved to mel (apparently) when she was on chris' shoulders, made a few jokes and played a new song.

Hungry Jacks after, before the tram ride home, was quite enjoyable. A whopper jr was a bit too much though.

all i need is you
all i need is you

- marty sampson, hillsong united

singles' awareness day

it's amazing how days like this accentuate the feeling of aloneness. i'm lucky with the fact that i worked all day today instead of having to sit at home and ruminate or observe the increasing amount of couples around me.

there's nothing wrong with being single. seriously. i actually like being single. plans can just change at the drop at a hat.

the waiting does kill, though. waiting for things, people. especially people. will he turn up?

i've learnt to be content where i am. sure, the desire is still there, but i'm happy where i am. i'm doing the things i want to do, in my own time.

singles' awareness day. SAD for short.

HAH!

emo

is this what regret feels like?

this gut wrenching feeling of a need to turn back time to undo what i've just done.

it's just numb. muted versions of what they're supposed to be.

the most intense of them all? anger.

//

finding him again is kind of exciting. being reminded of his goodness, grace and mercy, and best of all love in the midst of thoughts of shame, rejection and fear.

all i need is you.

//