'God is always comforting but never comfortable.' CS Lewis

bad day

this was partly my fault, but i didn't know that the global elective talk we were supposed to have was pushed to yesterday so i turned up today wondering why i don't see anyone i know. when i bought the manual, i got told off by the undergrad officer on how it was important and i need to catch up on what was said...sheesh. in a way, i'm glad i didn't go coz although the content was pretty relevant, it's nothing we don't already know.

then dan picked me up from the station as i needed the car and he was running late. there was a traffic jam along clayton road and he was already late so i told him to turn into one of the smaller roads and walk to church so he won't be as late but he snapped back at me. have you ever sat in a car with a freshly gradualted L driver? don't ever do it. everytime he stops, my heart jumps into my head which was every two seconds coz the roads were so packed. it was so hard not to yell at him.

zeph 3.17 - for the Lord your God has arrived to live among you. he is a mighty saviour. he will rejoice in you with great gladness. with his love, he will calm all your fears. he will exult over you by singing a happy song.

i thank God for friends who know when you're down and make the effort to be there.

i chose YOU

all my attention, affection

all my devotion.

all my life, i wanted to feel like i belong. i think the reason i didn't have many friends when i was younger was this one person. i remember asking if she would be my best friend (we were sitting together, so naturally, i just wanted it). she immediately said no. 'best friends let you down and disappoint' she said. although i craved closeness to someone who was not from my family, subconsciously, i think that was the reason i was on my own.

throughout my life i often look enviously at different friendship groups. i want to be part of them, but i didn't think i have the personality or the capacity to pretend to have all it takes; having it all together. that was because i don't. that was even in a christian friendship circle. for a long time, i've put up a facade.

ever since i joined the gravitate worship team, i felt that i don't have to go looking for someplace to belong anymore. ever since i decided to commit myself to serve God wholeheartedly, i didn't have to make the effort to make friends.

during the church worship retreat a few weeks ago, i was prayed for. i've always thought of myself as a follower, one with little to no qualities to be a leader, despite what everyone else said. and i felt i needed to work hard to keep my place in the team. this was what was said (in my own words):

'don't feel that they'll do fine without you. you are part of the team...the sounds you play produce power. don't doubt what God can do through you...you are a leader. have faith God will lead you.'

those words RESONATES in my soul as they were spoken to me.

they still do.

there should be more bands like selahphonic around; capturing and transmitting the awesome love and compassion of God. during the engine room prayer, i prayed, as many others did, for God's presence to be felt and for people to be touched to the core of their being. what a night! sitting there, i was reminded of how God can use so many other ways to reach out to people. we are just tools in His hands.

exams start in five days.

are you stressed? i asked.

ask me next week, she said.

exams are in a week. and i haven't studied. bummer.

it seems that during this time, there's so much going on. since my course doesn't have the same holidays as the rest of the uni world, everything's out of wack for me. there're so many things going on that i really want to part of but can't coz i have to study...not that i do much of it, anyway. which leads to me praying so hard that i passed and don't have to spend my holidays studying for sups. sigh.

HUNGRY is on this sat & i'm excited. not only because i'll be playing with the rest of the gravitate band, but because God will be there, listening to our prayers.

matt 5.6 - blessed are those who hunger and thirst for rightneousness for they will be filled.

faith

world: to believe in something or someone without question. without doubt or suspicion. unwavering until the very end.

me: questioning, analyzing, learning, understanding and believing (therefore passing the test of mind, spirit & heart).