it's funny how you can think you can objectively analyse your pain but when you're actually in the midst of its infinately swirling mess, you're lost.

i was talking about somatic pain, but i guess it kind of works with emotional pain.

hmm..emotional pain can be impossibly hard to deal with especially when you've formed some sort of attachment. sometimes, i wish the numbnessbeforepain that follows the initial insult can last forever. the justkillmenow's are not an option.

it's been more than 4 years since both my grandads have moved on. sometimes during my extended family gatherings, i reminisce to the time where yeye used to jingle his change pocket everytime he came home & all of us grandkids would run to him with our palms out (which was just me. i was 5. dan & ling couldn't even walk yet). i want to relive the times where gung-gung pats my head everytime he came over for afternoon tea with a butter cake no matter how many times mum tells him not to buy them. he doesn't eat them anyway. and i run around trying to avoid his palm from ever touching my head.

i remember staring into yeye in his coffin wondering what we would have talked about if i knew how to speak hokkien and what we would have done together (me being the oldest grandchild) if he wasn't so sick in the last year of his life.

i...i miss them. i miss kissing yeye's stubbly cheek. i miss gung-gung's dance whenever i try to tickle him. most of all how the both of them would smile for no apparent reason at me with their eyes looking at things far away, far from reality.

comments:

anGe on 15 september 2005 at 03.31
At least you got to know your Grandpas :o) Smile at the memories that you had.

Freakspace on 15 September 2005 at 08.34I always forget to ask - what does Euphonius Cognitate mean? That is how you spell it...oh, there's meant to be an 'o' somewhere in there now that I look back.
With reference to this post, I've never seen a dead body before. The first funeral I went to was last year. Guess I'm just really clueless...I don't know what hurts, or how bad it can.

Mr. kaiwin on 15 september 2005 at 13.10
testing testing...
i hope this works,
kaiwin

me, i'm right here next to you on 15 September 2005 at 13.15
i'm happy it works!!!
happy kaiwin

G. on 15 September 2005 at 15.42
Heh... yeah, at least with the older folk, it's understandable. Logical order, the older ppl die first. When siblings die at relative young age... completely screws with your way of thinking and everything. However, it's not something you'd wish on anyone. And then, the ultimate 'experience' a parent losing their child...
However, having experienced death within one's family does give you a certain... edge when it comes to helping and talking to others. Kinda hard to related when you've never experienced anything like it I guess. But I ramble... lol