jailbreak

i've decided not to let this feeling rule my life.

BUT am i getting out of the house at every single opportunity so i don't have to talk to my parents? seems like it to me.

avoidance strategy. probably an unhealthy way of dealing with my situation but according my counsellor, probably the way i've developed and operated for quite a while.

should i be talking about my psychological issues here? probably not.

this is the last you'll hear from me about this...

i guess i'd better explain myself.

i was doing pretty well for my supplementary clinical work and i was expected to finish early. then i got a call from the deputy head of school on friday, just before i left for home from work.

'you need to come in to talk to me on monday. you didn't do so well in your exams.'

then my weekend was gone. i had a mask on as i went through my weekend but inside, i felt low, depressed, dazed. people close to me probably noticed i wasn't really there when i talked to them or there was something different about me. a few did ask, but i didn't tell them.

so i went in on monday, knowing but fearful of what we were going to talk about. 'the progress committee decided it would be better for you if you repeated third year.'

my tear ducts worked overtime these few days. i'm surprised that there was still more to flow. i cried on monday, tuesday and wednesday. and i'm still coming to terms with these feelings i have and the future of having to go through the entire year. then there's the issue of changing clinical schools. so many things to think about.

so now you know.

you know when you're having a good week that it is too good to be true.

you're waiting for that smack right across your face to wake you up or that major letdown/depressing moment that slowly creeps up and hits you right between your eyes that most definitely will come.

you're waiting for that numb moment that throws his entire sealed and heavy bag of tricks at you. sometimes it lasts a few hours, sometimes it lasts for days; possibly weeks, month or years.

there's nothing you do about it. there's nothing you can do about it.

i need a miracle.

you're forced onto a path of another future, one that you'd never think you'd have to take. it's so far from the one you planned to embark on. you hope on the possibility that you still have a chance to backtrack and make your way back onto that path but you know it's not a possibility anymore.

still, you cling on to that hope while it does absolutely nothing for you.

i need a miracle.

things you believe in are not working. things that keep you going through the bad times don't seem to be helping anymore. the tears try to escape, but they are imprisoned in cages with narrow bars by your thoughts, your numbed emotions and the fear of admonition from being too open.

so many things threaten to make you abdicate this thing you call faith.

but you can't.

it's all you've ever known.

i need a miracle.

all hands on deck

a step to the right to your own rhythm
and what comes next is up to you
i need a miracle to save me from this
- waking ashland

birthday(s), part two: baby, if you love me, won't you please smile?

girl fight club consisted of angela, adeline and julie. it was fun while it lasted. i'm sure the boys enjoyed it even more than the girls did.

me, being so smart, forgot to take a video of them.



and it was fun trying to figure out who it was i was feeling up with two wooden spoons/spatulas. and i called damien a girl! oohhh...it was a good thing he didn't come after me.

i think the highlight of my entire night was when we played the game inspired by the 'i love you/you're ugly' game. it was so funny watching ange propose to mikey! and natey cracking under the pressure of julie making reference to ami.

grace was the tough one to crack so ange was deliriously happy when she got grace the very next day at gravitate. well done ange! you even got me!

thanks to everyone (who made it and also who didn't) for making this a very memorable birthday.

xoxo

post script. i'm very disappointed in my uni people. you left so early! even before the games started! tsk tsk!

birthday(s), part one

my day yesterday started off at ange's twenty-first at her place. everything was looking good. lots of things happened including the hacky (?sp) sack fell into the drain and mikey had to pick it up.

soggy with mucky drain water, addy promptly picked it up and started piffing it at everyone else. failing to get anyone else besides me (or did you get anyone else?), she resorted to splashing some sort of liquid at people walking past over the fence.


ange seems to have the same pose with most guys. well, with jeremy and nick on the extreme left and two guys from uni on the right. something to do with ange being the queen of bgr... or is this a character trait of the JASH girls in particular?



then it's onwards to my place (because it was piddling for about an hour and it was already forecasted to rain) for rosey's and my own birthday. after uh, more than twenty text messages, and a hurried effort of cleaning the house, everyone arrived, safe and sound.

addy and jo gatecrashed my party. jo spent the entire time playing with alfie (my friend's labrador..to see him, go here or click on 'snapshots at life' on the side bar) and addy's voice could be heard from anywhere in the house.

but at least i was entertained by jo's attempt at scaring addy and the result of addy's wrath.

another year older, another year with more wrinkles

my birthday today! i'm so excited! and so rushed! i went to the doctor's to get prescriptions for antivirals, antimalaria whatever other drugs i need in thailand. didn't manage to get my hair cut because my hairdresser was away.

ohh!! i just realised that the tables i was going to bring to my party are too long and won't be able to fit into my car! no wonder my mum got my uncle to pick them up in his terago (?sp) when she bought it! oh, well, all i have to do is shower, get some batteries, pick up phoebe and head down to ange's. should be all good.

hopefully, it won't rain tonight.

drowsy zombie

i'm so undeniably tired that i could just fall asleep in front of this computer.

in fact, i will.
698574
}{LP;KL,YTDCIXX AZA

*drool*

baptism

i was cool and calm about it. testimony written and ready, i reached out and gripped the microphone wayne held out to me. everyone was applauding. wait, wait...okay, time to start: 'hi, i'm deb and a lot of you are probably wondering...'

i have always been scared anxious of speaking in front of a large crowd of people. i stammer and um a lot. my heart races. i fidget. not so much this time, i talked really fast.

the dunking was a bit um, how should i put it...fast? ps paul didn't even ask for the declaration of my faith! and i think he pushed a little too hard. if i didn't stop myself, my head would have bounced off the bottom of the bathtub/pool. the water was nice, though.

and what happened here? a new form of dunking? i was outside, walking in the direction of the toilets so i could peel off my wet clothes so i didn't hear/see what happened. apparently, rich was underwater the longest and dan had to pull him out.

to all my bloggies (the name still sucks, i agree), thanks for going out of your way to be there and support me and bear witness to my apparent lack of faith declaration. thanks especially to natey who snuck in late, missed the whole thing and pretended he was there the whole time. i saw you sit down!

to my church family, thanks for the encouragement and the squeals of ____, the hugs and the congratulations after i came out of the bathtub/pool.

to ray, thanks for coming, standing up your friend, the long drive back to bendigo and the probably late night before another early morning of doctoring. it was a shame manna couldn't come. i would have loved to talk to her.

last but not least, to the gravitate band, thanks for the chocolates, putting up with my lack of presence and allowing me more than a month off to concentrate on my studies and another month and a half of travelling. titus, all the best for the surgery and i'll visit you as soon as you confirm which hospital you're going to be in.

i'm tired from the weekend and i have extra clinical work to do. not a good combination. it's seems like i've been thrown into the deep end with halfinflated floats and expected to keep my head above water. sigh. at least the supervisor's nice.

i love the sound of rain. i like to curl up in bed to the sound of rain. it's soothing. puts me right to sleep. growing up in a country that at least once a day for six months, i'm used to it. but we don't get enough here in melbourne. thus the water restrictions and such.

today was the last day of exams for this year and i want to feel relieved but i'm not. instead, i'm worried that i won't be able to move on to next year. i'm worried that mum's going to explode and i won't be able to do anything i want next year, except study.

sigh.

i amuse myself by watching kate's last jumpstart performance.

while flipping through vogue paris...

love poem
it's so nice
to wake up in the morning
all alone
and not have to tell somebody
you love them
when you don't love them
any more.
- richard brautigan

NOTE: i have no experience whatsoever in the love department to know what it means to not have to wake up in the morning and say 'iloveyou's to someone i don't love anymore.

i just thought it was interesting.