tangerine

maybe i still have a thing for him after all these years. i've just been thinking about how comfortable i am around him. no need to be up on my feet all the time. the things we talk about just crop up out of the blue and it can be the weirdest of topics in the most unlikely situations especially when we're alone together.

laughter.

then a friend raised the fact that he's pretty free. free in terms of nothing tying him down. not talking about people. i'm talking about a permanent job, the things he wants to do. would i get frustrated with him?

i like to think i do things on impulse but that not very often. i don't have much opportunity to do that sort of thing with uni and church commitments. i'd like to be able to go places and do things in the heat of the moment.

but i also like a bit of planning. i love filling out my diary with things to do, places to go...assignments to hand in (ugh!). i like filling out my schedule with things to do so i'm always on the move, meeting people, talking/listening, giving massages.

then again, would he need a stable person who'll balance him out? bring him back from the clouds to more of a ground level? i don't know and probably will never know these things.

sometimes i feel so desperate. why isn't this happening now? why aren't things happening they way i imagined it to go? why does life feel like a drag sometimes and everything i do just weighs down on me so much?

tangerine, i wish sometimes you'd get me. and do something. quick. i wish i could express to you in words what i feel. and not feel. i wish i have the strength to keep my heart.

i wish...