i don't know how to put this into words...

the five weeks away from everyone that really knew me did give me some time to myself, time to think things through. i don't think i've resolved any of them but it made me realise how much more i don't know about so many things.

i've gone from knowing what i think i want to sitting on an island in the middle of nowhere. i'm searching for a way to get back to civilisation but there doesn't seem to be any. sure there are people around but they don't know how to get off the island either.

i think it's because i feel alone that i go out whenever i can, living up the life as they call it but that empty feeling, that loneliness, is still there when it all ends. no, i don't crave attention...well, maybe just a bit. everything seems so far way. sometimes, i don't even know how to describe how i'm feeling on the inside.

i have this thing where what i feel on the inside reflects on the outside. but there's a line. how does one be polite when there's a fury raging on the inside or heartwrenching grief over nothing? i don't want to pretend i have it all and present an exterior of calm and collectedness when i don't have it all together and what i'm feeling is on the other extreme.

life is never meant to be easy, i know that; but why does it have to be so damn hard?

she feel fake
like a smile plastered on a clown's face,
she is fake
under the guise of order
chaos rules her heart
to the casual eye,
she has it all
the perceptible authenticity they see
the apparent superficiality she feels
her heart desires for more
but all she sees is inner entropy

14.01.07

she stared up at the wall in front of her. the height is endless. the situation she was in was horrible. what made me jump into this hole, she asked. i couldn't have been that stupid to do that it myself. the prospects of living in there wasn't good. pretty soon, she'll die of not just thirst and hunger but loneliness. the only way out was to climb the impossible wall in front of her.

after a few moments of indecision, she made her first foothold and dug her foot in it. slowly she made her way up and out of the pit. there were moments where she stopped and wanted to give up but the climb down was just as hard as the climb up to where she was.

suddenly fear gripped her. what if she were to fall? who would catch her; especially from that height. it was hours before she was able to summon enough courage to take the next step up the wall. along the way, there were branches to hold on to to rest, pools of water to quench her thirst, but she still moves on.

she is still climbing that wall today. her reserves are nearly finished but she can see the speck of light in the distance; smaller than the end of a needle.

as she climbs, she wonders what that light holds for her.

out of my entire trip to kuala lumpur and singapore, i only got to met up with friends three times. the rest was occupied with catching up with my extended family, or hanging around dan because i have nothing else to do. i think it's because i probably won't be able to see them for a while with all the travelling i'm planning to do once i get my funds. i'm glad i did catch up with those friends. i met two of my oldschool friends i haven't seen in seven or so years and it was great listening to them interact like back in the old days. it's like i never left.

but despite my five week holiday, i'm glad i am home now. not so happy with the near 40 degree heat. more so the company and the friends i've made since i arrived. i do miss the new friends i made and i do hope we keep in contact (some more than others).

many people have asked me about resolutions and i have made it a point not to make any. but it is always good to make goals in life and a friend once asked me what i wanted to achieve before i was twentyfive. so here it are ten of them, not in order (some of which i have already done):

[list deleted, 29.05.07]

the last one is hard to predict and situations can't be controlled so we'll see how i go.

i'm going home tomorrow! i'm excited because i will get to sleep in my bed after five weeks of strange hard beds and overtly soft beds, eating out, packed days and showers past midnight. in the five weeks of being away, i have had only three homecooked meals. three! that is poor.

i will summarise my last week or so when i'm back in melbourne with a reliable internet connection. it's pretty hard to upload pictures when thenet connection keeps being cut off on top of being at dialup speeds.

the tale of timing and directions

my first few minutes of 2007 was spent alone, crammed in between sweaty people in the esplanade in singapore, trying to watch half of the fireworks that are not obstructed by this big building standing right in front of us.

stuff it, i thought and decided to go home; only to walk out into the nearly empty street to have a clear view of the fireworks. to be honest they weren't great. they didn't even make it to the 'good' level.

i was supposed to meet some friends at a bar but they ended up late. dan and i missed each other at the station so dan missed the fireworks, treated himself to a drink and went home. i did end up catching up with the above mentioned friends but that was after i got lost trying to find the mrt station and had to call someone because the people i did ask for directions told me to 'follow the crowd'. the problem was, that the crowd was moving in five different directions.

dan, on the otherhand, arrived safely home to discover that no one answered the door when he rang the doorbell. he went down to sit on a bench outside and came back up only to miss me by 15 minutes. by that time, i had already crashed into my bed and closed the door.

i was quite worried that he had not come home and tried to call him a few times but i couldn't get through so i decided to sleep. the funny thing was, my aunt & uncle's room door was open so they could hear the doorbell (my aunt is a very light sleeper) but for some reason, they didn't. so dan spent the night outside the front door til six in the morning. the maid eventually let him in.

all up, this was the crappiest start to the new year and i really do hope that the rest of the year isn't like the start.