34 days to Christmas!

i want to spend my solitude with you

I realise that I've been quite polar with my mood lately. Moreso that end that no one wants to be in. The good one last albeit a few minutes, but they're there. At least they're there. There are things I am glad about, and there are things that could be a whole lot better. I find myself having envious, angry and even depressive thoughts of the late. Most of all I wonder.

I wonder what makes me do the things I do and the tank that is my head.

I wonder a lot of whatifs and maybes.

My thoughts wander like the stray leaf on a windy day, not able to anchor and is subject to the desires of nature. I wonder where I'm going to land before the wind picks me up again.

And I wonder how I came about so much junk. Try as I may to clear them out, they seem to be continually growing.

Thank you for bearing with me. Thank you for still having hope. Thank you for all the time I rage but you still are close.

Love you lots.

p.s. Thanks for the reminder.

love

It's probably not me but does it give me a reason to hope?

I've started up a new blog, with more of a visual/artistic focus. I may or may not continue on this one. Just haven't made up my mind yet.

i would so watch this.

But it is so contradictory for the Doctor to be holding a gun...

island of ice in a warm sea

I feel like I've lost an anchor. For some reason everything seems so much more worse. Friends aren't friends anymore, more like acquaintances that will not give you the time of the day unless you're remotely interesting or have any value to them. Conversations are awkward silences punctuated by fake smiles.

Without her, I feel like I'm slowly drifting away on an island that is progressively getting smaller. Pretty soon, I won't be able to keep myself on it any longer. It feels like tomorrow, it will disappear and I will drown in the sea. And it's only been a week. My chest feels like an endless hollow pit that nothing can fill. Not fully, not permanently. My bible sits at the end of my bed but for some reason, I can't bring myself to open it let alone read it.

It's back to routine tomorrow and I have a mask to put on; a fake excitement that others expect to see. Time creeps by too fast nowadays.

I've been standing on the edge
ready to fall
catch me, my love
as I give it all!

03.12.09

i missed earth day

I believe we must depolarize and depoliticize environmentalism. Caring for creation should not be framed in a right-left dichotomy. Stewardship isn’t primarily a political, social or economic issue; it is a moral issue the people of God have been called to address. If we desire to remain true to God’s Word, Christians must redeem the cause and make it our own. We need to rediscover the scriptural basis for creation care, engage our planet’s daunting problems and propose solutions most Christians are comfortable with. To abandon these issues to secular environmentalists shirks our God-given responsibility to care for His planet.

-Jonathan Merritt

consider the ravens

Between the river and the ravens I'm fed
Between oblivion and blazes I'm led
So Father give me faith
In providence and grace
Between the river and the ravens I'm fed
Oh sweet deliverer you lift up my head
And lead me in your way

- Dustin Kensrue

the dangers of settling

As easy as it is to imagine, it is still gutwrenchingly difficult when reality pulls you to where you really are.

It is worse with the matters of the heart. So often, we find ourselves longing but when the object of desire doesn't materialise or says something that contradicts that which is going on in your head, we rationalise. You know what I mean.

When you don't get THAT job.

When the man of your dreams decides it's not you.

//should I make the first move?//

[I'm still learning.]

growing pains

It's scary to feel myself growing out of the things I thought I really loved.

fury ate my soul today

I wrote it on the 31st of May, 2006. The day before, I wrote:

//I own my own life. Mine is not an extension of yours, like a string that's pulled apart.//

It wasn't so long ago that I was such an angry kid. Hah. Kid. That's what we think of ourselves even if it's a few years ago. That's what I think of myself as a kid; angry and immature.

There are things in my past that I don't like to look back on. But that's it, isn't it? Who we are today is the sum of our past experiences and what we do today will shape what we do tomorrow, next week, next month, next year. No matter how positive or negative the experiences.

Things with the family is better now, although things could still be worked on. But what relationship doesn't need constant tweaking? Things used to be bad between us. I think my moving out has smoothed things over and changed our perspectives. Changed mine, mostly. I let a lot of things slide a lot of the time now, with the knowledge that psychologically, the parental units are so set in their ways that major changes are almost always impossible.

That doesn't mean we always wear a smile on our faces. It's still frowns, grimaces and scowls. At least the smiles are there more often.

// All these from some post-it notes found whilst cleaning out some boxes in the garage. I think the string reference was because I was destroying some at the time//

get out of my head

I'm hooked up on something that I really don't want to be. It happened such a long time ago and it's not worth entertaining even the thought of it.

//But still the green monster in me rears her ugly head//

one too many

For the first time in my life, I was bored at a wedding.

I've decided not to indulge my shutterbug fingers and just absorb the celebratory atmosphere of two people vowing their lives away to each other. I find that I don't necessarily experience these things in its entirety because I concentrate too much on getting good pictures. I thought today will be as good a day as any. I've been to so many weddings over the past three years so the novelty has worn off a long time ago. If I'm not busy snapping away, I'm up and down, doing the legwork. I was doing neither today.

Don't get me wrong, weddings are beautiful. The bride is dressed up in the whitest of whites (now more off white as dictated by fashion), chocked full of lace, sequins and all things shiny. The groom is looks smart in his tailored suit. The groomsmen matches the colour of the bridesmaids dresses. A few hundred witnesses watching as the lovely couple take their first steps into the world as one.

It made me think. Essentially, all weddings are the same. It starts off with groom and groomsmen waiting at the end of the aisle whilst bridesmaids take slow steps in time to the music to the alter followed by the bride and her dad. Worship. Prayer. A little message. Vows, rings, registry then kiss. Walk back down the aisle. Greet both sets of mums and dads, wave to close friends, smile akwardly to others. Obligatory group shot. End of ceremony. Food. Cut to the reception. Canapés, wine, champers. Bridal party, speeches, food. More speeches. Cutting of cake. More food & speeches. Clinking of glasses. Toasts. Crying dad on bride's side. First waltz/dance/shuffling and twirling. Everyone on the dance floor. Crazy uncle on groom's side takes centre stage. (In asian weddings, no one on the dance floor. Everyone looks awkwardly away.) Dessert, tea and coffee. Home.

Simple. A few variations here and there but the recipe is pretty much the same. And to think I've got so many more to go to in the first six months of this year. I'd better be prepared and start taking some photos before I go out of my mind.

post script 18.06.10

I had an ulterior motive for not taking photos at the said wedding. I just think it probably wasn't appropriate for me to have more pictures of what could have been. He and I are good friends but one can always avoid temptation, right?