well, i'm off for a holiday to tasmania in less than seven hours so i don't think i'll post for a while...unless i find an internet cafe there...or one of the people we might visit has internet. i won't see everyone until next year so happy new year from me!

...i hope we don't get on each other's nerves when we're there.

according to my sources...

"guy sebastian is a sexy man of God!" said ange as she glimpsed the image on tv as she walked into the living room...

...only to see three dads sitting on the couch watching guy sebastian sing on tv.

quote of the um, day?

can someone give me memory pills for christmas?
- maxine c

i recently remarked to a friend that i've never really got into the whole singingcarols thing. i still don't. while carols, presents and parties signify the celebration of christmas, it is disheartening to see the commercialisation of christmas and easter and all the 'christian' holidays (i can only think of christmas and easter at the moment. are there more?). everywhere i look (especially in shopping centres), i see people rushing to by gifts in fear of being a disappointment to their loved ones for not giving those brightly coloured [weird] shapes with ribbons and a card.

but i've never been one that conform to the ways of this world. sure, i like the presents that get associated with christmas but who wouldn't pass up the opportunity to get some free stuff? of course, you have to give back or you'll look like a totally selfish person. and i do feel disappointed if i give part of my heart wrapped in paper and decorated in ribbons away and not get something in return. i am afterall, human.

we conform because we don't want to be left behind. for example, 98% of the world's mp3 player market belong to apple, makers of ipod. everyone wants one. the church is no stranger to conforming. a church that is considered to be successful is one that has the most growth. everyone wants to be part of something successful, thus adding to the numbers. what about churches that statistically has 25 people that attend it and half of the numbers are leaders? what statistics don't see (or tell) is that this particular church has a high turnover rate due to the call of its members to move to different mission fields. neither does it show the megachurch keeps expanding where it keeps its members in its arms, never really letting them look out beyond the church's four walls.

one does not have to 'feel christmassy' to celebrate christmas. i celebrate the day that my God, who loves me so much that he sent his son to save my life. and my life is so much more full because of Jesus.

it's nine days till christmas. and who says i can only celebrate Jesus' birth on christmas day? i chose to celebrate everyday.

big brights

i was walking down the street, happy with my purchase from koorong bookstore when a piece of pinkish paper on the pavement in front of me caught my eye. what could it be but a five dollar note!

well, in it goes into buying my new car! or camera. whichever i decide to get first.

most likely the camera.

a token post

there's only two weeks till christmas! this year has gone by so quickly. i don't even remember what i did a week ago!

as i'm sittin here at home in front of the computer, i think back to all the things i'm thankful for. here's the list:

• twentyfirst birthday parties to remind you how old i am
  
• opportunities to learn and grow musically
  
• increased strength in my hands resulting in aaron and nick demanding more massages
• privilege to give to the less fortunate
• gaining new friends i can really be transparent around
  
• directionless driving
• learning to let Jesus be the lover of my life
• the joy of watching a friend inching closer to breaking down barriers that separate her from knowing God
• the GIANT swing! (i can't wait 'til feb when i get to go on it again...such a rush! yes, i admit it, i'm an adrenaline junkie)
• developing closeness to the friends i already have
• coffee and tears
• getting lost and finding out i actually need help reading the melway while driving alone in the sticks
  
• opportunity to meet nick from antiskeptic and stephen from anberlin
  
• a chance to watch switchfoot live...TWICE!
• late nights with the bloggies

there are more, but it will take more than this post to express it. the thing i'm most thankful for is that despite the pain, i'm ALIVE.

i have given him up, methinks.

but there's another one?

he's off limits.

until i figure me out

or he does.

maybe soon, but could be never.

an update

as the chronicler of blog squad (as well as being 'the boss'), i have fallen behind and i am now going to attempt to get up to speed.

last weekend: blog squad bleaching day (to which some one suggested we change our name to bleach squad with the assumption that all the members are going to bleach their hairs the same colour)
_________mikey_____________ange____________natey












a few days before: mikey buffed his nails

and for those who think i have an obsession with wrestling, here's a treat for you: dj vs hannah

focus end of year dinner

after a week of hectic music practices and drama rehersals, the dinner arrived with much anticipation.

the floor: small, raised and slippery dance floor, result of a few blocks of visually texturised and polished wood arranged and held together by an aluminium frame. this resulted in the movement of the bass drum as ads used it causing him to periodically pull it back toward him when he was playing. the space was a little cramped and i expected a lot more space than what was there for the drama.

the food: wasn't great. they ran out of roast within an hour. everyone started with the mains and didn't see the cold dishes and salads on the around the corner.


the fellowship: virtually non-existant for me because of my running around taking photos and preparing for the drama and the music sets. i even managed to squeeze a few scenic shots between sets. once those were done, i had time to sit down and enjoy what was left of my desert and had a good chat to a few people.

in conclusion, the night was a nice night but nothing terribly exciting happened. i didn't know half the people that came, and ange and i were the only ones from our church on our table. but i did catch up with a few people that i haven't seen in a very long time. it's a good thing.

i'm looking forward to the awards night next friday and the summer program.

jailbreak

i've decided not to let this feeling rule my life.

BUT am i getting out of the house at every single opportunity so i don't have to talk to my parents? seems like it to me.

avoidance strategy. probably an unhealthy way of dealing with my situation but according my counsellor, probably the way i've developed and operated for quite a while.

should i be talking about my psychological issues here? probably not.

this is the last you'll hear from me about this...

i guess i'd better explain myself.

i was doing pretty well for my supplementary clinical work and i was expected to finish early. then i got a call from the deputy head of school on friday, just before i left for home from work.

'you need to come in to talk to me on monday. you didn't do so well in your exams.'

then my weekend was gone. i had a mask on as i went through my weekend but inside, i felt low, depressed, dazed. people close to me probably noticed i wasn't really there when i talked to them or there was something different about me. a few did ask, but i didn't tell them.

so i went in on monday, knowing but fearful of what we were going to talk about. 'the progress committee decided it would be better for you if you repeated third year.'

my tear ducts worked overtime these few days. i'm surprised that there was still more to flow. i cried on monday, tuesday and wednesday. and i'm still coming to terms with these feelings i have and the future of having to go through the entire year. then there's the issue of changing clinical schools. so many things to think about.

so now you know.

you know when you're having a good week that it is too good to be true.

you're waiting for that smack right across your face to wake you up or that major letdown/depressing moment that slowly creeps up and hits you right between your eyes that most definitely will come.

you're waiting for that numb moment that throws his entire sealed and heavy bag of tricks at you. sometimes it lasts a few hours, sometimes it lasts for days; possibly weeks, month or years.

there's nothing you do about it. there's nothing you can do about it.

i need a miracle.

you're forced onto a path of another future, one that you'd never think you'd have to take. it's so far from the one you planned to embark on. you hope on the possibility that you still have a chance to backtrack and make your way back onto that path but you know it's not a possibility anymore.

still, you cling on to that hope while it does absolutely nothing for you.

i need a miracle.

things you believe in are not working. things that keep you going through the bad times don't seem to be helping anymore. the tears try to escape, but they are imprisoned in cages with narrow bars by your thoughts, your numbed emotions and the fear of admonition from being too open.

so many things threaten to make you abdicate this thing you call faith.

but you can't.

it's all you've ever known.

i need a miracle.

all hands on deck

a step to the right to your own rhythm
and what comes next is up to you
i need a miracle to save me from this
- waking ashland

birthday(s), part two: baby, if you love me, won't you please smile?

girl fight club consisted of angela, adeline and julie. it was fun while it lasted. i'm sure the boys enjoyed it even more than the girls did.

me, being so smart, forgot to take a video of them.



and it was fun trying to figure out who it was i was feeling up with two wooden spoons/spatulas. and i called damien a girl! oohhh...it was a good thing he didn't come after me.

i think the highlight of my entire night was when we played the game inspired by the 'i love you/you're ugly' game. it was so funny watching ange propose to mikey! and natey cracking under the pressure of julie making reference to ami.

grace was the tough one to crack so ange was deliriously happy when she got grace the very next day at gravitate. well done ange! you even got me!

thanks to everyone (who made it and also who didn't) for making this a very memorable birthday.

xoxo

post script. i'm very disappointed in my uni people. you left so early! even before the games started! tsk tsk!

birthday(s), part one

my day yesterday started off at ange's twenty-first at her place. everything was looking good. lots of things happened including the hacky (?sp) sack fell into the drain and mikey had to pick it up.

soggy with mucky drain water, addy promptly picked it up and started piffing it at everyone else. failing to get anyone else besides me (or did you get anyone else?), she resorted to splashing some sort of liquid at people walking past over the fence.


ange seems to have the same pose with most guys. well, with jeremy and nick on the extreme left and two guys from uni on the right. something to do with ange being the queen of bgr... or is this a character trait of the JASH girls in particular?



then it's onwards to my place (because it was piddling for about an hour and it was already forecasted to rain) for rosey's and my own birthday. after uh, more than twenty text messages, and a hurried effort of cleaning the house, everyone arrived, safe and sound.

addy and jo gatecrashed my party. jo spent the entire time playing with alfie (my friend's labrador..to see him, go here or click on 'snapshots at life' on the side bar) and addy's voice could be heard from anywhere in the house.

but at least i was entertained by jo's attempt at scaring addy and the result of addy's wrath.

another year older, another year with more wrinkles

my birthday today! i'm so excited! and so rushed! i went to the doctor's to get prescriptions for antivirals, antimalaria whatever other drugs i need in thailand. didn't manage to get my hair cut because my hairdresser was away.

ohh!! i just realised that the tables i was going to bring to my party are too long and won't be able to fit into my car! no wonder my mum got my uncle to pick them up in his terago (?sp) when she bought it! oh, well, all i have to do is shower, get some batteries, pick up phoebe and head down to ange's. should be all good.

hopefully, it won't rain tonight.

drowsy zombie

i'm so undeniably tired that i could just fall asleep in front of this computer.

in fact, i will.
698574
}{LP;KL,YTDCIXX AZA

*drool*

baptism

i was cool and calm about it. testimony written and ready, i reached out and gripped the microphone wayne held out to me. everyone was applauding. wait, wait...okay, time to start: 'hi, i'm deb and a lot of you are probably wondering...'

i have always been scared anxious of speaking in front of a large crowd of people. i stammer and um a lot. my heart races. i fidget. not so much this time, i talked really fast.

the dunking was a bit um, how should i put it...fast? ps paul didn't even ask for the declaration of my faith! and i think he pushed a little too hard. if i didn't stop myself, my head would have bounced off the bottom of the bathtub/pool. the water was nice, though.

and what happened here? a new form of dunking? i was outside, walking in the direction of the toilets so i could peel off my wet clothes so i didn't hear/see what happened. apparently, rich was underwater the longest and dan had to pull him out.

to all my bloggies (the name still sucks, i agree), thanks for going out of your way to be there and support me and bear witness to my apparent lack of faith declaration. thanks especially to natey who snuck in late, missed the whole thing and pretended he was there the whole time. i saw you sit down!

to my church family, thanks for the encouragement and the squeals of ____, the hugs and the congratulations after i came out of the bathtub/pool.

to ray, thanks for coming, standing up your friend, the long drive back to bendigo and the probably late night before another early morning of doctoring. it was a shame manna couldn't come. i would have loved to talk to her.

last but not least, to the gravitate band, thanks for the chocolates, putting up with my lack of presence and allowing me more than a month off to concentrate on my studies and another month and a half of travelling. titus, all the best for the surgery and i'll visit you as soon as you confirm which hospital you're going to be in.

i'm tired from the weekend and i have extra clinical work to do. not a good combination. it's seems like i've been thrown into the deep end with halfinflated floats and expected to keep my head above water. sigh. at least the supervisor's nice.

i love the sound of rain. i like to curl up in bed to the sound of rain. it's soothing. puts me right to sleep. growing up in a country that at least once a day for six months, i'm used to it. but we don't get enough here in melbourne. thus the water restrictions and such.

today was the last day of exams for this year and i want to feel relieved but i'm not. instead, i'm worried that i won't be able to move on to next year. i'm worried that mum's going to explode and i won't be able to do anything i want next year, except study.

sigh.

i amuse myself by watching kate's last jumpstart performance.

while flipping through vogue paris...

love poem
it's so nice
to wake up in the morning
all alone
and not have to tell somebody
you love them
when you don't love them
any more.
- richard brautigan

NOTE: i have no experience whatsoever in the love department to know what it means to not have to wake up in the morning and say 'iloveyou's to someone i don't love anymore.

i just thought it was interesting.

i'm getting baptised on the 6th!

i know i've been putting it off for far too long. God's convicted me to do this months ago but it's like when your parents tell you to do something that you really don't want to do. i fought back.

it's true that i've already been baptised (i was about nine then) but i didn't even know what was happening! i came from a church that believed in infant baptism and i didn't make the decision to undergo the waters of baptism.

i guess i've made the decision this time. no harm in being baptised again. at least i'm obedient to His command.

boys speak in riddles
and girls in code
- anberlin

if you're stumped on what to get for my birthday, this is one cd i would like to add to my collection:

The EVERGLOW by mae.

i like this band because:
1. it plays the type of music i like
2. the synth is a big (butnotsobig) part of the music
3. how cool is the album cover?

if you are going to get this for me, put an anonymous comment saying 'i'm getting this for you' or something to that extent so i won't end up with 24 copies of the same cd.

thanks for your time.

it's been three weeks into my sabbatical from playing at gravitate and i'm missing it; i miss trying to figure out what happy pad to play, the itchy sensation of the in-ear fallbacks, the stuffups we do during practices (i.e. phanin's flying drumstick trick) and seeing where everyone's spiritual life is at through sharing and praying as a team.

having said that, it's also been nice standing back and observing the team from everyone else's vantage point, hearing what everyone else hears and seeing what everyone else sees. being on stage doesn't mean i hear everything that's going on (due to the newer fallback system we changed to).

at least i can enjoy the harmonies of the other vocalists for another two weeks.

loretta lux

i love photography, how they show the viewer things not usually seen when we're moving around, like how the sunlight streams down through dark, rain-ladden clouds; it's not as obvious than on film.

loretta lux is a photographer who uses bright colours to eerily highlight the innocence and fragility of the children she captures on film. most of her backdrops have an antiquated feel but the pictures themselves point to a future that might not be as it seems. the children themselves aren't meant to be children but 'metaphors', lone sufferes in life who ultimately survive.

i wonder why she named this piece 'three wishes'? is it because the child is intently rubbing her hands deciding on a desire? half-lidded eyes dreaming of a future with ___? how are the thought processes of a child with that want?

question: why does al still keeps a smallerthanhishead sized beanie?

answer: so the rest of the members of blog squad can amuse themselves trying to fit their heads into this ridiculously tiny beanie.

results of the fitting session: nate has the smallest head compared the the rest of us (blog squad) which resulted in him impersonating a jewish rabbi (when he used the least effort to wrestle the ultrasmall beanie onto his head) and a chinaman (after about twenty minutes to half an hour of strategic manouvering).

n.b.: mikey really needs a haircut.

'in faith, we step off in the seeming unknown and find our feet come to rest upon the rock.'

~hudson taylor

anti-poverty week

i heard tim costello talk today.

i have never heard a man talk with such passion about social justice and without the usual shouting and yelling; although he did come too close to the microphone which resulted in the undescribable pain in my ears (as some of you know, my ears can't take really loud noises). AND he didn't even have notes to refer to! i want to do that someday, talk for more than 10 minutes on a certain topic and not need to look down onto a piece of paper to remind me of the next thing i have to say.

micah challenge: do justice, love mercy, walk humbly with your God (micah 6.8).

stephen curtis chapman had a song with that challenge in it. i have it as a welcome message on my phone without even realising what it actually meant. i've tried being humble in my walk with God but it's nothing without justice and mercy to those around me, isn't it?

more often than not, i catch myself thinking/reacting negatively to strangers around me that don't fit the 'social norm': 'he stinks' or 'that skirt is way too short for those thighs'...stuff like that. who am i to judge others when they too are made in the image of God? to judge them would be like judging God. how can we judge God when He made us, and loved us, and sent Jesus to die on the cross for our sins? He owes us nothing and we owe Him EVERYTHING.

from today, i will do justice, love mercy and walk humbly with my God.

which would you prefer: a blocked nose or a runny one?

i went into clinics today because i had an exam.

i don't think i would have gone in if it wasn't for the exam. my throat feels raw (but a lot less compared to saturday - don't worry, k. i don't think the night out worsened my sore throat), i was drowsy all morning...and afternoon because there was so little to do. i swear, half the time spent there was waiting for the supervisors to find us. and tell us what to do.

i'm really glad i got an inpatient for the exam (thank you, God!). they're so much more predictable and there's only that much i can do with them so my mind doesn't have to make a trip to the place in my brain with the most cobwebs.

to answer the question: neither. but i have to chose...i think a blocked nose (which is what i have at the moment). at least, you won't have your snot running into your food while you eat...

it's a novelty feeling sick for me. i didn't have my twiceawinter colds. all because i got a flu shot at the beginning of the year. must have caught a newer strain of virus.

BUT having said that, i don't like being sick. being too tired to do anything, your head feeling like it's stuffed full of cement. and having the pressure from exams as well; that is not a good combination.

humble beginnings

blog squad

transparent and unconventional

to support and lift each other up

no judgement on what we have done in the past

spuring one another to build a good character for the future.

and laugh about it

to read ange's version of our oh, so short history, dance to the beat here.

paper cuts

rain crashed down
droplets fall from trees above
like mudslides we skim away
our hands lose their grip in the smoothness of time

what happened on the way?
this journey we started together
all the times we embraced in the cold
all the times we pulled each other to our feet
all the times...

like paper cuts to my soul
pinned in place by jagged and rusty nails
rain and blood mingles
rain and blood soaks into the ground

i know you love me
the best is yet to come
but why do i feel like this?
why do i still have paper cuts on my soul?

09.10.05

night at al's

nate, you missed out on quite a bit. we went through al's wardrobe and tried on a few things. his room is so retro! it's like living my childhood all over again (i'm not THAT old...al's older. but i had lots of old things to play with from my aunts and uncles; handmedowns, you know).








here, al's collection of sunnies from the 60s and hats were put to the blog squad test.

the sunnies reminds me of my first pair of glasses..without the dark tint.

how do you describe the taste of salt?

really. how do you describe it?

as one person puts it : 'when it is clean, it's white and if it's fresh you can smell it. on your tongue it's bitting and puckery. in your eye or on broken skin, it stings. on some foods, it adds to a billion percent of taste. on others, it makes it enhances its sweetness.'

but how do you really describe it? especially to a person without taste buds?

how do you explain light to a person who cannot see?

how do you depict touch to a person who cannot feel?

how do you detail the aroma of roses to a person who cannot smell?

hard isn't it? one can't live the experience through words. there are not enough words in the dictionary to describe them and too many meanings for one word. experience is essential.

in the same way, you can't describe an experience with God. you have to experience Him, feel His touch, hear His voice in order to know exactly what it feels like to be in His presence. plus, it's different for everyone; just like i don't like strawberry-flavoured processed food.

all of my days

and my eyes, they look unto You always

and i am captured by Your majesty

my uncle had his 50th birthday party last night.

most entertaining to say the least...drunken men serenading him, people trying to roast him but end up roasting themselves and the focus of his male pattern baldness by his beloved sons who probably inherited it.

ended up catching up with ray and ling throughout the night which was good considering we haven't really updated each other on our lives. i still have yet to have a proper conversation with his crazy girlfriend considering i haven't had time to talk to her.

spot the err

today i had milk flavoured coffee.

this is what i want for my birthday

KORG triton le88 weighted keys (and an amp so i can hear what i'm playing)

88 weighted keys.

a myriad of sounds.

yes, it's exactly the one used in church.

like freedom in spring

the blog squad (aka blog buddies aka blog chums aka whatevernamechangeyouguyscomeupwith) met up without me last night. there's this empty and hollow feeling left inside of me (this is around the time we usually meet up). sigh.

haha. i'm kidding. no hard feelings guys. but i do miss meeting up and listening to mikey make a fool out of himself around us. but that's our mikey. he semi-harrassed me over who i 'gave up on'. if only he knew, eh ange?

it is good that i'm not thinking of him twentyfourseven. but i love the feeling of not being able to sleep at night because of him (i really can't afford sleepless nights). i love how he makes me smile even when he's not around. i love how he brightens up my day without even trying. i still really like him and it's really hard for me to give it all up to God and not take matters into my own hands. after all, it's all in His timing.

i'm trying to get to know him more before i commit to anything. i think even if he did ask me out now, i'll try to take it slow, get to know him more before committing to anything. but these are just words, aren't they? who knows what i'll do if he ACTUALLY asked me out. i pray that God would give me to strength and courage to exercise my self control and avoid temptation.

working so far...

this is the time when...

...i dyed my hair & didn't want it to leave stains on anything my head brushes up against so i put a plastic bag over my head. cut me some slack. i couldn't find a spare shower cap.

food is so overrated.

as most of you know, i'm not much of a food person, but i do enjoy the occasional exotically explosion to my taste buds. for some reason i have the urge to munch pretty much all the time..well, when i'm not busy doing anything. if i'm reading, i'd like a munch. if i'm at the computer, i'd like a munch. i think it's the aesthetics of having something in your mouth, crunching between your teeth.

or maybe it's just me.

for all the posts before this point

i have put them in with respective dates and comments because the site i was on before is changing servers and most of my first few years on the blogging scene will be lost. happy reading!

jumpstart organisation was nearly a total let down. last year was better in terms of everything flowing, but this year's content while low on quantity, was high in quality once all the technical difficulties were resolved.

the drama was inspirational.

mass mayhem vs. ko was entertaining.

inAmen, was as usual, great, but the stage looked empty without the rest of the band.

k.a.t.e. went out with a big bang, with a snapshot of the eighties, a scream (umm..more than A scream and not just from the girls) from the 90s and a final farewell with the debut of the tigermusic mascot with his awesome xylophone. for those who want the video of their backstreetboys-inspired performance, please send an email to lossenovien AT gmail DOT com.

comments:

anGie pities Mikey on 04 october 2005 at 23.16
Yeah KATE was awesome haha. We've got some pretty cool guys at our church. They just throw the 'geeky christian' stereotype out the window :o)

Freakspace on 05 october 2005 at 09.01
So she even comes up as Angies Pities Mikey here? Heh...my fame preceeds me! Rahaha! I liked Jumpstart, your people did really well!

blog squad photos.

that name is so lame. hey, it rhymes! okay. that IS lame.

i'm tired. and when i'm tired i say things i sometimes don't remember.

when did i say what?

comments:

Freakspace on 30 september 2005 at 06.05
That was really fast! I can usually never get pics up for months after something happens...ah, the joys of not having the internet at home. Hey, instead of Blog Squad there's a new name I want us to use. Nate made it up, it's even gayer than Blog Squad, are you ready? Blog Buddies. Yeah, that's a name that spoons itself...

nate on 03 october 2005 at 09.50
I like that! It "spoons itself"!! We could even combine the words into one hellish concoction - "bloggies"!!
Oh dear... :S

me on 03 october 2005 at 11.41
spooning again? i thought you little boys gave that up already? oh dear is right, natey.

it's monday morning AGAIN!

is it me or did today seems especially slow?

after the first two weeks, i feel like i've gone backwards in my 'performance' in clinics. took me more than an hour with my first patient, then i had to squeeze my second patient (who i found out had anger management issues) into half an hour which stretched to fifty minutes. that left me with fifteen minutes for lunch...make that ten minutes for lunch and five minutes to read up on two outpatient notes. it didn't help that both of them were initial assessments. sigh.

to top that up, i had to take home and write up both their notes, look up knee problems for my tute tomorrow (which i still haven't done), call heaps of people about different things, clean my room, tidy up the computer area of all my notes and junk, figure out presents for five people, whose birthdays/birthdayparties are coming up, plug jumpstart to all my unifriends (who were on the fence from last year's event) and arrange a time to meet up with my best friend before she leaves for malaysia for good. it's an hour and a half to midnight and i have to go to bed soon or i won't get enough sleep for tomorrow.

ahh...the joys of life before career getst o sink its long complicating claws into you.

comments:

anGe on 27 september 2005 at 01.08
ahhh you're doing a great job!

camp photos are up! check it out! xoxo

i've decided not to chase him.

there were things he told me he looked for in a girl.

but if i changed myself to suit that, who will i be? definately not me.

what will i become? fake.

instead, i'm going to walk the road i'm walking on, focused only on one thing.

GOD, His love, His perfect will.

everything else is secondary.

comments:

anGe on 21 september 2005 at 13.20
hmmm *sigh! Just when I was getting excited for you....
you can have lists but they don't really determine if you're willing to love and commit to ther other person.
Besides, guys like to do the chasing. Us women should just wait around and look pretty as they hunt and catch their prey! hahaha
Be in a place where you're not too open and not too closed ... like don't desparately seek or chase a dude ...... but then again, don't stay still and expect God to serve the guy on a silver platter to you .. if that makes sense ... BALANCE ....all about balance!
You'll be right!

G on 21 september 2005 at 14.10
Heh, true that guys like to chase, even though most of the time, he's seen a mile away so it's more of a carefully scripted play... pity the guy's not seen it :P
It's true that somethings shouldn't chase, but there should be a level of compromise existing between two ppl. Just as we're always changing, evolving and growing as people(and christians), growing stagnant using the excuse of "being yourself" isn't the best of options.
Of course, maybe that's WHILE you're dating and not just to try to look attractive enough to get picked up. But my $0.02 :)

me on 22 september 2005 at 10.11
i still like him and all and it's pretty hard not to 'chase' him. remember i said i had second thoughts? i still do like him, tho...you still can be excited, ange.

nate on 23 september 2005 at 10.47
What! I read this post before, but now it occurs to me... Deb!! I think you have some stuff to share @ our next gathering!! :P
You COC'ers are BGR-weird :S

gravitate collison camp '05

collision camp was a COLLISION of hungry hearts & GOD!

the best place to see what God was doing was upfront, where i was. i saw everyone's faces, their hands lifted up in worship, how much they cried out in hunger. during the last session, i had a glimpse of what God was going to do that morning. i saw people going down on their knees, and a sense of awe came over me. i opened my eyes and saw it come true. (almost) everyone were on their knees in worship.

i think collision 'did its job'. by the end of it, there was some sense of unity between groups. i saw people who never would have talked to the ISZ students laughing their heads of at their jokes. i saw youth talking to adults with such respect/camaraderie i don't think they give their parents.

most of all, i think everyone was changed. now all they have to do is not let themselves slip back into their comfort zones.

it's funny how you can think you can objectively analyse your pain but when you're actually in the midst of its infinately swirling mess, you're lost.

i was talking about somatic pain, but i guess it kind of works with emotional pain.

hmm..emotional pain can be impossibly hard to deal with especially when you've formed some sort of attachment. sometimes, i wish the numbnessbeforepain that follows the initial insult can last forever. the justkillmenow's are not an option.

it's been more than 4 years since both my grandads have moved on. sometimes during my extended family gatherings, i reminisce to the time where yeye used to jingle his change pocket everytime he came home & all of us grandkids would run to him with our palms out (which was just me. i was 5. dan & ling couldn't even walk yet). i want to relive the times where gung-gung pats my head everytime he came over for afternoon tea with a butter cake no matter how many times mum tells him not to buy them. he doesn't eat them anyway. and i run around trying to avoid his palm from ever touching my head.

i remember staring into yeye in his coffin wondering what we would have talked about if i knew how to speak hokkien and what we would have done together (me being the oldest grandchild) if he wasn't so sick in the last year of his life.

i...i miss them. i miss kissing yeye's stubbly cheek. i miss gung-gung's dance whenever i try to tickle him. most of all how the both of them would smile for no apparent reason at me with their eyes looking at things far away, far from reality.

comments:

anGe on 15 september 2005 at 03.31
At least you got to know your Grandpas :o) Smile at the memories that you had.

Freakspace on 15 September 2005 at 08.34I always forget to ask - what does Euphonius Cognitate mean? That is how you spell it...oh, there's meant to be an 'o' somewhere in there now that I look back.
With reference to this post, I've never seen a dead body before. The first funeral I went to was last year. Guess I'm just really clueless...I don't know what hurts, or how bad it can.

Mr. kaiwin on 15 september 2005 at 13.10
testing testing...
i hope this works,
kaiwin

me, i'm right here next to you on 15 September 2005 at 13.15
i'm happy it works!!!
happy kaiwin

G. on 15 September 2005 at 15.42
Heh... yeah, at least with the older folk, it's understandable. Logical order, the older ppl die first. When siblings die at relative young age... completely screws with your way of thinking and everything. However, it's not something you'd wish on anyone. And then, the ultimate 'experience' a parent losing their child...
However, having experienced death within one's family does give you a certain... edge when it comes to helping and talking to others. Kinda hard to related when you've never experienced anything like it I guess. But I ramble... lol

with the terrorist threat hanging over melbourne, everyone's jittery. i had a 20 minute conversation with my friends about where they can target such as the public transport system like in london. the conclusion is that a lot more people will be affected if sydney was attacked because melbourne trains never run on time!

the today, simon & tanya came with their jittery stories, both involving trains. both of them couldn't stop thinking about that conversation until they got off...

comments:

anGe on 13 Septemeber 2005 at 11.00
Terrorist threat? I'm so out of the loop bc I've either been organising Collision 05 OR sleeping due to the fatigue from organising Collision 05!!

G on 14 September 2005 at 00.11
Shouldn't really matter whether trains run on time or not. Peak hour's usually the busiest. And the funny thing is that no matter how hard we are policed, how much of our rights are compromised and our privacy breached... it'd not be very hard to place a bomb somewhere in Sydney or Melbourne...

me on 14 September 2005 at 01.38
hmm..that's is true

Freakspace on 14 September 2005 at 07.02
I don't think it will happen here. I just wanted to say that to be part of the people who can say (when, terrorists inevitably attack somewhere or something in Melb') "WOW! Just think of it! I never thought it would happen..."

kaiwin on 20 September 2005 at 07.16
do you fear death,Deb?
how attached are you to this world?
are you worried that you might be hurt if these rumours are true?
-kaiwin

terrorist act on sept 11

my dad has weirdly dangerous (not to mention messy) ways of doing things. he was cold that morning so he decided to warm the blanket up. after 2 minutes, he smelt something burning & the blanket was smoldering in the microwave. he's sooo smart!

note that it's an airline blanket mum 'accidentally' took from the plane. it's made out of some synthetic material..acrylic, i think.

comments:

Kaiwin on 20 september 2005 at 07.07
i like how you write, Deb!
this entry is VERY funny.
now to read your other entries...
-kaiwin

today has been such a sleepy day. couldn't stop yawning. especially when the supervisor was talking. suchabadfirstimpression!!!

BUT i'm glad they didn't get us to do that many things today. i don't think i would have been able to keep up..me yawning all the time...

YAWN!

comments:

nate on 12 september 2005 at 14.54
eh deb, it's monday... it'd be a foreign feeling to wake up on a monday morning with enough sleep, wouldn't it :P
preach it sister, preach it... let the yawnful mondays be told...

wink and smile!

new moon. looks like someone winking. and smiling. or is missing an eye but still smiling. MAYBE it's just a moon and a star...

it's a beautiful night tonight. the moon was in the perfect crescent with a star above it. kinda looked like someone smiling & winking. apparently, the star moved closer to the moon over the course of the night...or was it vice versa?

cell special was good. organising it wasn't as bad/stressful as i thought it would be. usually, i agonise over who's coming & not. but this time, it ran smoothly. ended a bit earlier than i thought it would but i guess it was expected of a weekday. for some reason, 'so, who do you like?' always finds opportunities to crop up in conversation. this time, it's during show & tell of our favourite toys. it's not even related! BUT it's good to know the people you tell it to will keep it to themselves & not spread it around.

ended up spending the rest of the night with a lot of people i don't know very well..with the exception of ange & mikey. it's nice just to sit & laugh at other people's jokes & not feel obligated to say much. it's funny how a conversation swings from a topic that is insanely idiotic to one as serious as the course of one's life. and i can't get d & t spooning out of my head! allyourfault,ange!!

comments:

nate on 11 September 2005 at 15.52
a lot of people that you 'don't know very well' besides ange & mike... hey! That's just me!!
u were actually laughing @ our lame, lame bantering? :P Ew, ew... stop with the spooning imagery already... *shudder*...

anGie pities Mikey on 12 September 2005 at 03.28
Twas a pleasure hanging out with you :o) Lame bantering is always fun! Can't take life too seriously or else you'll grow old, frustrated and die faster! haha

¹⁹ Remember my affliction and roaming,

The wormwood and the gall.
²⁰ My soul still remembers
And sinks within me.
²¹ This I recall to my mind,
Therefore I have hope.
²² Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
²³ They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
²⁴ “ The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,
“ Therefore I hope in Him!”

Lamentations 3.19-24 (NKJV)

comments:

G. on 06 September 2005 at 22.22
Great verse indeed!

FATHERS' DAY TODAY!!

i gave my dad a kiss on the cheek this morning. nice of secular society to reserve a day in 365 days for dads. somehow, mum worms her way into 'what's your ulterior motive for giving him that kiss?' sheesh!

can't i kiss my dad without an ulterior motive?

comments:

anGe (Homepage) on 07 september 2005 at 10.59
NO! They're old asian men and aren't use to physical affection! So Debbie, what was your ulterior motive? Money? New Car? Intro a special someone to your folks? :o) Just poking some fun!

had the latest of late nights yesterday. terence turned 21 & i smell smokey. that's the last time i'm going to a pub for a friend. no matter how close we are! music was bad, my eyes were itchy & there wasn't enough space to move around. BUT it was kinda cozy.

it was nice of mikey to send us home, but i think i would have fallen asleep if not for bibi staring at me & making engine noises...

i guess many people have questioned their sexuality at some point in their lives. society has such an influence in moulding people to have certain behavioural characteristics because if you have say a certain wave of the hand, you are categorised.

this clip brings a fresh new meaning to being macho (for guys, duh! but i'm definately not one), being a 'manly man'. with God thumping in our hearts, we can be whoever we want to be, outside the limits of societal constructs & views of how a wo/man should be.

enjoy.

the world is a dark and lonely place when the future looks bleak.
everystep is a hesitation
is the the right path?
am i doing things right?

what if i make the wrong turn?
what if i trip & fall?

what if...?

real love

Real Love never needs a dozen roses and a nice car for the first date, and it doesn't start out with the lobster and chardonnay. Real Love won't lie in the heat of the moment to have its way, and it never uses all the right words to get what it wants. Real Love usually takes things slowly and gets better with age.

Real Love smiles even when it's unfashionable to do so and never holds back tears. It looks good without makeup on and isn't afraid to go out in public unprepared. Real Love quit rambling on about nothing a long time ago and doesn't worry that it might not have anything to say right now. Real Love looks you in the eye during the awkward silences.

When it's treated cruelly or quietly snubbed, Real Love never turns inward or burns spitefully. It never calls up mutual friends to vent in anger or stoops to pettiness to have its revenge. Real Love doesn't lie to itself about the way things really are, and it doesn't worry that its time may never come around.

Real Love is quietly hopeful and devastatingly kind. It's always on time, and it doesn't quit just because the shift is over. Real Love is surprising, like a night out under the stars. And though it usually prefers the softest touches, Real Love has strength enough to fend off all other suitors.

Real Love is not a gamble, a ruse or a phase. It's not faddish or shallow, too young or too old. It's cross-cultural and counter-cultural and sub-cultural. It doesn't favor big bank accounts or the most beautiful faces, and it rarely comes around when it's not called. Real Love likes the lowest voices and shows little respect for the big booming ones, though it doesn't count them out just because they don\'t get it right now.

Real Love is a movement, an affection and an arrow pointing home; it is a peace, a precept and a personality. It knows about forever and ever, and it works just fine in the now and the here. And Real Love doesn't need a clever tag line at the end to get its point across one last time.

by Eric Hurtgen
(i made the phrases bold..)

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

an expansion of 1 cor 13.4-13. this article touched my heart when i read it. it said all the things i want to express & is an eye opener in things i've never thought of. REAL LOVE only can come from God because he first loved us (John 4.19) and it's only because he loved us that we can show His love to others.

to read more articles like this & on other topics, click here.

comments:

Freakspace on 02 September 2005 at 06.59
Pf...who has real love then? Where is this 'real love', because on a human:human level, I'm sure I've never seen it. Sorry...I just...well, I don't know anything. Not anything at all. Especially not about love!

anGe on 02 September 2005 at 14.50
real love sucks! haha just kidding. I'm a hopeless romantic! Oh how I look forward to the day when my prince charming ( that likes watching sunsets and star gazing) will ride up to me in his shining armour, on his white horse and whisk me away to a land far, far away ... *sighz* Only one could dream...

wrapped up a group assignment in the morning then lunch with mum. a rarity these days. it's nice to sit down with er to do some heart to heart youneettocleanyourroomandpullupyoursocks talk.

i was so bored in the arvo that i partially cleaned my room. sorry kaiwin! mum was getting a bit narky at the state of my room that i've decided i should at least do some tidying. looks like you won't be able to see my room in al tis chaotic disorderness (i don't think that's a proper word...). it actually looks more messy than it was before i tidied it...sigh.

finally handed in my assignment!! after staying up til 1am to do it. it's the most last minute assignment i've ever done and that's the latest i've ever stayed up and probably will ever stay up for an assignment.

dancingnow.

i'm so hyperactive at the moment. just wait. it will come crashing down by 11am. i'll be the one with my face stuck to my desk and drool all over my notes.

comments:

Freakspace on 30 august 2005 at 07.01
Ey Deb, good for you! Finishing more work, you're real @$$ kicker, you are! I'm having some days off, because...well I thought I was going to be working but no one's called me up. This is no good...can't get $$ from slacking! LAters.

Above all else, guard your heart,
for it affects everything you do.
proverbs 4.23 (nlt)

why is it the more i decide i don't want to think of him, the more i think of him?

there are so many things occupyin gmy mind at the moment and i have to think of HIM! sometimes, i don't know whether i like him for the sake of liking someone or that i truly do like him. the hardest thing to evaluate is your emotions. they play a havoc on your life whenever it suits them and nothing ever gets done in those moments. my friends give me the you'dbettercheckyourselfintoamentalinstitution look whenever i jump around for no reason they know of.

life is so complicated!

comments:

Mikey the bombbomb killa! on 28 august 2005 at 03.44
Rahaha! *sings* Debbie's got a boooyfrieend, Deeeebbieee's GOT A BOY FRIEEEEND!! Sorry...so, who's this guy?? He better be a good guy, or I'll be giving you the assessyourmentalstate or whatever it is your friends said. You know what I think? I think, no matter what a crush is REALLY FUN! You don't even have to do anything about it! It's like a drug, whenever you remember this 'someone' you're like *sigh* and it feels GREAT!! I wish I had crush that was achievable...haha. Have fun, see you when I see you next.

finally finished the physiotherapy practice poster on gender issues. FINALLY! i thought we would never finish. for this assignment, it's going to cost me $20 for printing and laminating. this is the most i've spent and will ever spend on an assignment. we'd better win a year's worth of strapping tape or something to that extent. i can't remember what the grand prize is going to be. we'd better win after all the effort we girls put into it. very tempted to make the slacker in our team pay for more.

one down, two to go.

comments:

Mikatronic (Homepage) on 26 august 2005 at 06.58
Heyas Deb, congratulations on finishing an assignment. To me, that's a big thing. When I was in uni, I nearly did no work at all...so here I am trying to learn carpentry. This is a good lesson for every academic or would-be out there. DO YOUR WORK, OR SUFFER ACADEMIC BANISHMENT!! As for me, this weekend I head home to my country hometown. This will be good, I get to see my Ma again, and Kaiwin and Bibi are gonna be there too. Well, have a good weekend. LAters!

there are three assignments chasing me with the intention to kill

i am so sleep deprived...

one of these days, i'l lhave to sleep till dinner to catch up on all the sleep i'v emissed in the last six months but i doubt i'll be able to last till noon.

for some reason, i can never sleep past noon.

comments:

Freakspace on 24 august 2004 at 08.28
Heyas Deb! You better feel privaligeded or whatever the hell that word is meant to be! I just set up a whole new account with these 20six freaks, just to write on your blog! Huff huff! Are you doing well with your assignments? That Kaiwin guy has like five or something due in a couple of weeks...that sort of thing makes me sooo glad I'm not doing the type of schooling where they can issue homework! Rahahah! Hope you get some proper rest soon, yeah?

me on 24 august 2005 at 12.49
i didn't know you had to sign up to comment...uh, welcome to my blog!!

wise words of cushion

mysterious men = high risk

to be at low risk, go for someone you know.

if all else fails, surrender to a life of celibacy.

echoing in the distance:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

back to uni today.

i'm back to walking up the unending escalators in melbourne central. my exercise, five times a week for these next two weeks. my knees felt a bit funny...like they haven't been oild for a while. and avioding taking the train between 2.30 and 3.30pm. that's when all the schoolkids come on and i won't be able to get any sleep or listen to my cds.

it's weird not to be in my normal clinic uniform during the week. at least it's three weeks of no prioritising patients, figuring out what problems we have to treat or trying to change the way i walk so my feet wouldn't ache so much.

i'm so over assignments...and group work. did you know there's at tleast one other person in a group that is a slacker (unless you make up a group with people you know ill do work)? that so happens to be the only boy in my group. most of the time, i have to stop short of throttling him.

need to start on the essay. that's due on monday that i haven't started. at least it's only 1000 words.

easypeasy.

i had a fine weekend to take my mind off the results for the neuro clinic. thanks to kaiwin, mikey and bibi for their hilarious antics and strategies to kill zombies. i never knew that you could starve a zombie and it will just shut down. makes an interesting dinner conversation, tho.

war of the worlds was not bad. if we decided to watch house of wax, i would have closed my eyes and cried, not to mention screaming for an unnaturally long time...actually, i don't scream. i whimper. i don't think i've ever screamed in my entire life. i was bitting my nails when they were running and hiding and running and being eaten...ewww!!

going to bed exhausted gives a good sleep.

i'm exhausted.

going to bed now.

currently chucking a fit

ugh! i despise clinics. there's no standard way to makr students and everything is so subjective. how can the mar how well you learn??? isn't it suppost to be a learning experience?? i guess exams & stuff test how well you learn but what is the continuous clinical assessment?? it's more like it'sthelastweekwe'dbettergivethestudentssomemarks thing. what would they do if a student is slow in learning? give them lower marks. if there's not enough opportunity to display a certain skill? hmm...0/5 = needs maximum assistance. didn't see them displaying a certain skill...definately the lowest mark possible. i really feel like chucking a fit or burn a building that costs a few billion dollars to build (i'm not a pyro...really).

because of all these, i'm trying to compose a speech on the unfairness of my clinical marking system, probably oblivious to the fact that they would have spent months...even years trying to perfect the marking system. but nothing can be perfect, can they?

life is never perfect.

comments:

kaiwin90 on 22 august 2005 at 03.29
Keeping up with where you're at through your blog. I like how you write!
-Kaiwin

hosanna

let the weak say i am strong
let the poor say i am rich
let the blind say i can see
it's what the Lord has done in me

finally! exams are finished! for this block anyway. it was only by the grace of God that i passed my clinical exam. i thought i would fail! i forgot so many things. and i think i got UNSATISFACTORY for safety...which is a pretty big thing considering patients can fall and break something...or DIE!!!

i had a really good conversation with a good friend of mine about bgr. i think it's the uncertainty of who we will end up with that gets to me. he was just worried that she'll lose interest in him. conclusion was guys like girls with a smile (smile = genuine happiness/positivenes) and girls like guys with a plan. haha. pretty general but in a way true.

everywhere i look, there are people being affectionate, especially to one of the opposite sex (sometimes mum and infant..like the two i saw on the tram. their interaction made me smile but what an ugly baby!). there's this yearning in me to want someone i can care and be worried about (not in the jealous way) but there's also the part of me that enjoys being free to do anything i want and not be tied down to a relationship. btw, being tied down is not that bad. there are probably perks of which i don't know of due to the fact that i've never been in a relationship.

looking forward to going back to uni next week. at least there's snoring in lectures that are really important and time to be brain-dead for most of the day. zombies, we all are.

hmm...

dan commented that he thought this guy like me. male intuition, he said. this coming from someone that lacks the experience in this particular area.

how do you tell the other person you like him without him knowing?

and how can you tell if he likes you?

i missed playing at gravitate. not that i haven't played in a long time but i think that i've been doing it for so long that missing a week...you get what i mean, not that i don't enjoy playing in the focus band ...just different people, different feel, i guess.

mum and i have been talking quite a bit about this year & where i'm heading. i'm still struggling with studies and doing my quiet time. mum thinks that this is the year where i'm being challenged not only academically but spiritually as well. i think i agree. most of the time, i find it so difficult to read the bible, or pray for that matter.

last month, surge had a series with mark sayers. i went to the one about why people are more prone to leaving the faith at certain ages. we live in an agnostic society where every need is provided for and no room for God. everything is about pleasing the self now and turnover is high. this liquidity means no commitments to things of the long term. those who step away are usually at crossroads, like transitions between highschool & uni, uni & work, work & retirement, etc.

i think i'm at a crossroad in my life at the moment. i'm experiencing the working life (although i'm still learning & have a year to go) and managing my time between study and non-study activities are tough. i've never been great at managing my own time but i'm starting to learn.

i think.

don't put the drums too close...my ears hurt

i think i was blinking. angela called me a serial blinker. haha. she's taken too many photos of me that end up with me with my eyes half closed.

i like this photo of me. missions conference was great in terms of the focus band growing closer & stepping out in faith. it was the first time we've played in front of the entire church together. most of us play in other services with other bands. the fact that us growing in unity & in our skills show that God had a hand in this. each of us were hand picked to be in this team, to encourage each other.

i don't think i want to do the whole weekend of music with assessments and exams to worry about but i think i will have to do that again...with collision coming up.

soft tissue damage, she said

i fell down the stairs of thursday. about ten steps in total. it was a good thing i wasn't a seventy yearold or my left neck of femur would have been fractured. haha. that's what one of the gr two physios said to me. riiight. it hurts tho. i though there would be a bruise forming on the side of my bottom but it just hurts. plus, there's a lump on my foot. i think the heel of my boot contacted with it. no bruising there either but lots of swelling tho.

one more week of clinics!!

illegal recipient of love

typical paparazzi pose. the red thing is a fluffy heart shaped pillow tied with helium balloons but i think the attempt to float it towards the subject failed so it was just given to him. by whom? only he knows. he is not divulging any information at the moment. we'll be back shortly.

comments:

anGe on 02 september 2005 at 14.54
bet ya that's Aaron! He's soooooooooo photogenic *cough* haha

why is it everytime i'm so busy with other stuff when exams draw near? sigh. i think i need more hours in a day, more days in a week and more weeks in a year to fit all the things i want to do in...including bumming around at home doing nothing.

maybe one day can be doing that, five days of school/studies, three days for church, two for work, and last but not least, another one to annoy the beans out of my brother.

i'm ranting coz i'm bored and stressed with clinics. i can't wait for this to be over.

sigh.

been awhile

i've been so busy it's not funny. clinics take so much out of me both physically & mentally. neuro physio is really demanding. no two patients are the same. and i perpetually smell of armpits & dirty socks. ugh!

went to the anberlin/antiskeptic gig on sat (23rd july). great show but i forgot to bring earplugs so rach & i had to say everything twice to each other. the mixing was not too bad for antiskeptic but i couldn't make out the vocals for anberlin. the volumes were too loud for such a small place. got to talk to nick of antiskeptic after the show. great bloke. the plus thing was anberlin stayed back an hour to mingle with fans. got some photos with them. wish i could have stayed to talked to switchfoot when i saw them, tho.

a friend from shop was there & he looked great in his new haircut. maybe the last time i saw him, his hair was a little long...

Brent on 27 July 2005 at 12.43
wow, you sound busy, good to get out every once in a while then, hey.
Antiskeptic would've been very cool, i don't think i know amberlin though (but the name sounds very familiar...) and who was the shop person? (who had long hair...?)
hope things are going well for you
brent

me on 14 August 2005 at 04.05
garrett didn't have long hair...just longer hair when he was in shop. haha. and the haircut wasn't that short either..

dingalingaling, the wedding bells ring

andy and candice got married today. it was beautiful. all the bridesmaids were wearing dresses with the same cut but different colours...and they all match! and the guys managed to put a bit of themselves into their suits. the lighting and decor was unique. i think the lamps on stage brought a nice touch.

in the quiet while ps. ken talked, i heard a sniffling to which i later found out belonged to tuan who almost cried. they both said their vows. exchanged rings and kissed. and again. and again so the photographer can get it on film.

a day to remember.

and stress because i haven't finished my assignment which is due on monday...

need better time management skills

two assignments due in two weeks!! i've done onefifth of my first assignment and none of my second. i hate having to concentrate too much on thinking how to phrase each point differently and trying to paraphrase and not seem like i'm copying chunks of material off journals and such.

and clinics are such a drain! i seriously think that once you step into the clinical setting, they stick a hose into your brain and start the suctioning. it's approaching the end of my weekend and i'm still tired. sigh. there's something seriously wrong with me. i'm alert during the night and sleepy during the day. badbadbad.

getting back to my assignment now.

'God is always comforting but never comfortable.' CS Lewis

bad day

this was partly my fault, but i didn't know that the global elective talk we were supposed to have was pushed to yesterday so i turned up today wondering why i don't see anyone i know. when i bought the manual, i got told off by the undergrad officer on how it was important and i need to catch up on what was said...sheesh. in a way, i'm glad i didn't go coz although the content was pretty relevant, it's nothing we don't already know.

then dan picked me up from the station as i needed the car and he was running late. there was a traffic jam along clayton road and he was already late so i told him to turn into one of the smaller roads and walk to church so he won't be as late but he snapped back at me. have you ever sat in a car with a freshly gradualted L driver? don't ever do it. everytime he stops, my heart jumps into my head which was every two seconds coz the roads were so packed. it was so hard not to yell at him.

zeph 3.17 - for the Lord your God has arrived to live among you. he is a mighty saviour. he will rejoice in you with great gladness. with his love, he will calm all your fears. he will exult over you by singing a happy song.

i thank God for friends who know when you're down and make the effort to be there.

i chose YOU

all my attention, affection

all my devotion.

all my life, i wanted to feel like i belong. i think the reason i didn't have many friends when i was younger was this one person. i remember asking if she would be my best friend (we were sitting together, so naturally, i just wanted it). she immediately said no. 'best friends let you down and disappoint' she said. although i craved closeness to someone who was not from my family, subconsciously, i think that was the reason i was on my own.

throughout my life i often look enviously at different friendship groups. i want to be part of them, but i didn't think i have the personality or the capacity to pretend to have all it takes; having it all together. that was because i don't. that was even in a christian friendship circle. for a long time, i've put up a facade.

ever since i joined the gravitate worship team, i felt that i don't have to go looking for someplace to belong anymore. ever since i decided to commit myself to serve God wholeheartedly, i didn't have to make the effort to make friends.

during the church worship retreat a few weeks ago, i was prayed for. i've always thought of myself as a follower, one with little to no qualities to be a leader, despite what everyone else said. and i felt i needed to work hard to keep my place in the team. this was what was said (in my own words):

'don't feel that they'll do fine without you. you are part of the team...the sounds you play produce power. don't doubt what God can do through you...you are a leader. have faith God will lead you.'

those words RESONATES in my soul as they were spoken to me.

they still do.

there should be more bands like selahphonic around; capturing and transmitting the awesome love and compassion of God. during the engine room prayer, i prayed, as many others did, for God's presence to be felt and for people to be touched to the core of their being. what a night! sitting there, i was reminded of how God can use so many other ways to reach out to people. we are just tools in His hands.

exams start in five days.

are you stressed? i asked.

ask me next week, she said.

exams are in a week. and i haven't studied. bummer.

it seems that during this time, there's so much going on. since my course doesn't have the same holidays as the rest of the uni world, everything's out of wack for me. there're so many things going on that i really want to part of but can't coz i have to study...not that i do much of it, anyway. which leads to me praying so hard that i passed and don't have to spend my holidays studying for sups. sigh.

HUNGRY is on this sat & i'm excited. not only because i'll be playing with the rest of the gravitate band, but because God will be there, listening to our prayers.

matt 5.6 - blessed are those who hunger and thirst for rightneousness for they will be filled.

faith

world: to believe in something or someone without question. without doubt or suspicion. unwavering until the very end.

me: questioning, analyzing, learning, understanding and believing (therefore passing the test of mind, spirit & heart).

being sick is not good. it's even worse when you're on stage and can't stop your coughing fit. i must have played so many wrong notes last night trying to stop my snot and saliva from flying everywhere. hehe. that would have been gross. thankfully, my snot wasn't flying everywhere and no one could hear me coughing except for the people who were around me.

i didn't know how much i missed harris playing with us until last night. he has this aura when we worship and it compels me to join him in lifting my all in praise to God. especially for the fast songs when all i can think about is getting the notes right. i guess that comes with a lot of practice.

somehow, easter this year is different from the others. i guess i spent it with friends (ruth and rache, thanks for cooking!) instead of family although it doesn't seem like a occasion/holiday to spend with the family. i think it's the first time i've spent to without mum and dad. i'm so bored that i kinda miss them bossing me around. and dan hogs the computer with his games. sigh. will boys ever grow up? apparently not.

friends are so hard to come by and even harder to keep. even though you pour the best into the relationship, you come out with nothing coz the other person just isn’t interested or just can’t be bothered. it seems like i’m the only one that seems to be the inviter, not the invitee. everything seems one-sided to me.

a friend was recently in Melbourne for easter. she seemed distant when i said hello and for some reason, seemingly wanting to spend as little time with me as possible. that’s probably not the case but body language can be read pretty easily. crossed arms, distracted when talked to, not bothering to call…sigh.

i guess this is what God feels like; to extend all His love to humanity only to receive nothing in response; to kill His only son only to be rejected. but i’m glad Jesus rose again today so we don’t have to go through the pain and suffering He went through on our behalf.

dan became a citizen today. it was a mind-numbing ceremony. i wanted to fall out of my seat out of boredom but i don't think i could coz there were people all around me. too little space even to shift in my seat.

BUT he seems really happy about it. two of his mates from school were there to get their citizenships too.

i had a long day in uni so right now, my vision isn't what it normally is. everything's too bright. i think that's because i didn't have my coffee today, not that i normally drink coffee. i think too little/too much caffeine makes me sleepy.

why do i want to be like Jesus?

why do i want to be different in a world that despises those who don't conform to their ways?

truthfully, i don't know. it's so hard for a creature living in the world to reject all it can see and accept all it cannot see.

col 3.11 - ...Christ is all that matters and He lives in all of us.

i guess we MUST be like him coz we are made in His image and He lives in us.

'why are so many people taking pictures of the drums?' i heard someone say.

to be honest, i don't know. i just like the band name on the bass drum. plus dan would have wanted to see the set-up.

not that you can make out detail.

got a new haircut yesterday. really a spur of the moment thing. i finally got annoyed with my hair. it's pretty unusual for me to not to cut my hair within 4 months of having it done. what's more unusual is that i have a fringe now.

actually, i don't like my hair at the moment. the fringe is a tad too short and my hairdresser seems to like boofy hairdos so the top of my head looks like a melon with hair. and the bottom looks like a square. i keep wondering why i keep going back to her.

but people seem to like it. i wonder what they see that i don't.

switchfoot was AWESOME!! oops. maybe that's not the word. 'awesome's suppose to be reserved for God. well, let's start again.

switchfoot was INSPIRING! that doesn't have the same ring to it. on to the concert. after two and a half hours of standing and listening to the two good but monotonous support bands, they finally arrived on stage. the sudden surge people pushing forward to try to grab hold of jon foreman's hand as he held it out amused me. i guess it's all in the spirit of things but i have a hand too..what's so different about his? then, i looked at my cousin & she was doing the exact same thing, reaching out as far as her arm would go. then they all started singing along to their songs. loud and with gusto. the chick behind me had a really piercing scream. i smiled & sang along, marvelling at the passion displayed by all members of the band. i've come away with some eardrum damage, i must say.

i do wish they did had a meet & greet session.

time passes so quickly when you're busy. i can't believe the third week of uni has passed. now, i have so many things to do. clayton festival starts in tow days and i can't wait. there's going to be a dj and beat boxers. not only that, i got tickets to a switchfoot concert. i wonder why they have to play in a pub. sigh. there's this thing about me and alcohol. we don't mix. i think i would have to stay in my cousin's place for the night. better not drink either.

comments:

brent on 03 march 2005 at 04.24
hey, did you end up finding the switchfoot concert alright? i didn't see you there. it was really annoying that they moved it to the forum, we didn't know until my brother call ed a friend from outside the Queensbridge. hope you had a good night either way
brent
bet you didn't know i was reading this, huh?

sign of when one doesn't want his photo taken.

i wonder why sometimes, we hide when the camera's out. well, me, anyway. i think it's all in the peer pressure. i like pictures. all my imperfections displayed in all its glory for all eternity.

my first paul colman concert tonight and what a great night it was. it was good...great. dan and i scored seats in front of his parents. i wish i could have met him personally but he was tired. maybe i should ask robert if he could introduce us.

i still can't get over how one person can write so much songs that don't sound the same. i guess it's a God-given talent. sometimes, i wish i could write songs on demand/impulse. but at other times, i'm just glad i have what i have. sometimes i wish i had more but i think this is just the right amount. don't think i can handle more.

sigh. so sleepy.

tried my wings

by saying nothing

i'm saying something else

- antiskeptic

i really should read what i'm given properly...

today, i turned up at the physiotherapy office to report in for my exam. i was there for a good half hour when the undergraduate officer told me that the exam was tomorrow.

great, i thought. all the way into the city for nothing. and i had to go through wearing mum's largerthanyourglassescliponsunnies. sheesh. i have to do it again tomorrow. i should have my own bathroom where there are no bits of shaved hair and splashes of water everywhere. then i wouldn't have this infected eye that will take six weeks to heal. at least i clean up my mess. i can't say the same for the rest of my family. sigh. what to do?

on the plus side, i have an extra day to study/catchup on what i can't remember. but i have to cook dinner which cuts down my study time in half. not that i'm complaining. anything to get out of studying but i think i really need the time.

ever wonder how something as small as finding the right guy/girl can rule your life?

a friend told me tonight that she intended to see me hooked up with someone the next time she sees me...which is in march. that got me thinking. do i get boyfriend for the sake of my friends or do i find someone that truly complements my personality and loves me for who i am? i certainly want the latter. i think part of the reason i want to be in a relationship is that all my friends are either hooking up or getting married. i seem to be the only one that is still single.

BUT there are a lot of my friends that are still single.

Ps Ken once remarked that we are beings of desire. whatever that means. he said youth want to find a life partner at their age, and that's fine, as long as it's within your boundaries.

another thing. BOUNDARIES. big word. are boundaries things people set for you or are they things you set yourself. i think it's both. i don't think i'm that malleable to other people's opinions but i think i do care what they think of me and what i do. people set the boundaries that others follow.

hmm..i don't think i'm making sense. it's late and this little girl needs her full nine hours of sleep.

i've been procrastinating again...too much time spent at the computer, me thinks. i get distracted so easily.

last night was good. i went to phanin's place for some recording. didn't expect it to be so quick and easy. i think most of the night was spent finding the sounds i wanted on his old school keyboard. should have asked titus to come along. i think he would have been able to give me some pointers. but i did learn from what i did. phanin was most helpful...if not the most articulated person. one of these days, i should go early to church & experiment with the sounds on the korg. can't wait till gravitate starts again.

of books and lecturenotes

i hate studying.

i hate how academic everything has to be to get your basic degree.

i hate having to remember things in so much detail that you only have to vaguely know in your line of work.

i hate that we physios have to study harder than the meds.

but i'm glad that i won't ever have to work night shifts. or weekends...except if i decide to go into private practice.

comments:

lonewalker on 19 january 2005 at 14.11
Working nights doing anything is not fun. Unless you are nocturnel

there is no such thing as an overnight success

love

what is love?

does it mean that if i have a relationship with a guy show i am loved?

does it mean that if i get all the attention, i am loved?

day three post shop

isn't it weird how fast one can go back to the normal routine after a life-changing experience?

it is for me, knowing that there's something different yet i'm still doing the same things i've been doing before that experience. it's like a pebble thrown into a calm lake. it ripples but those ripples don't stay long and the lake returns to its normal state of calmness. but the bottom is changed forever by that little pebble. i kinda feel like that.

shop changed my perspective on God. He's always there for me whether i feel it or not and He's always working in my life, in control of all situations whether i see it or not. more than likely, i don't see it until way after.

ronald mcdonald shoes

this is what happens if you put a couple of bored young adults on a beach without any bathers and a desire not to get their clothes wet.

outreach on the beach was great. it gave us a time to get to know the other team members & make new contacts with people on the beach. like the time simon & owen struck up a conversation of how cool wetsuits are with some surfers.

they managed to chase them away.